i was chatting with turnip tonite, and she asked me if i thought of the grrl as being *unconditional and foreverish*...
i had to take a minute to think before i replied.
at first i gave a quick - "dunno"..
but then went on to add:

"i haven't thought of her in terms of *forever*..because if i don't get *forever*, then i'll be disappointed. but...if i do get to spend the rest of forever with the grrl, i won't complain one little bit."

it wasn't until turnip responded with a *WACK* that i realized how my response could be seen as me somewhat negative, and after our conversation ended, i found myself curled up on the couch thinking about the grrl, our relationship, and relationships in general.

i love her..there's not one ounce of doubt about that..
but will we be this happy forever??
will we grow tired of each other?? or will we just continue to fall deeper and deeper in love?? coz i sure hope so.

relationships are fickle things..in fact...it wasn't really until the grrl came into my life that i took much notice of relationship dynamics and matters of the heart.
when new relationships start out, it feels as if you've found your *soulmate*, or your new best friend...and the first few months are the best - because you get to find out just how much you have in common - "you like broccoli, too?? i love you!!! you understand me!!!"
You're both giving each other so much happiness, so much energy, trying to make each other feel good, soaking up the newness, forging ahead, blazing a trail towards mutual bliss, when subtley, insidiously, things....change.
you begin to notice things that never bothered you before.
"Hrrrmmmm. She drinks right out of the bottle! I hate that."...or "she never changes the toilet roll when it's finished"

you find issues on which you disagree, and you almost feel betrayed. it's as if the person you've been completely happy with for however long has just turned into someone else.

so i think that maybe the trick might just be to understand that, from the beginning, this new and wonderful, amazing person really is someone else
the grrl and i are different..
yes indeedy, we probably couldn't be more different if we tried..sure, we may have similar interests, likes, or tastes...but at the end of the day, we are 2 very different people from 2 very different worlds. neither of us is better or more superior to the other - just different.

not every time, and not to relationship..but so often, after a few months, the niggling sets in and the differences are discussed with friends more often than the similarities...hell, i think that for the last 3 months of my last relationship i spent more time focusing on all the bad things, rather than noticing the good...and i really don't want that to happen in this one.
not because i don't wanna go thru all that same old shit again, but rather because i feel that what i have with the grrl is far more important and more special than anything i've ever had with anyone else - and i DONT want us to go down that same, twisted path...i (would like to) think that we're greater than that.

am i disillusioned?
maybe..
but if my disillusions keep me conscious and aware about the things that tear relationships apart, then maybe i won't lose that sense of wonder and appreciation..and maybe, just maybe, i will get to experience *forever* with this wonderfully amazing woman.

over the last few hours i've come to think that "appreciation" might be the key word here...taking things for granted may play a large part in killing off the fun. familiarity breeds contempt, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that could be, to some extent, true. perhaps even very true.
but who knows..??

will the things that i find adorable and charming about sam become things that annoy me in months or years to come? is it predictability that causes troubles? lack of stimulation, lack of new things to discuss? why is it that people who are so happy together in the beginning can grow so far apart and seem to forget why they were together in the first place?

currently, the grrl is the cat's meow, and there's nothing i wouldn't do for her. i love her like i've never loved before, and i'm happier than i've ever known..it's all just so perfect - everything is funny and clever and charming as hell...
it's so easy to snuggle up next to her and feel safe and protected and loved...it's easy to pour out a heap of energy towards her and not begrudge her a single iota of it..it's all just so easy and wonderful and fresh.

I know that eventually, one or both of us will experience creeping doubts...we'll both have to deal with insecurity...even worse, complacency...but like all things in life, these too shall pass...because that's what life's about..
the dark with the light..good with the bad..sad with the happy...
it all makes for interesting relationships...
so in the 4 hours i've had to think, write and ramble about sam being *foreverish*, i have to say that i have thought about it, and i think yes..this is the woman that i could quite happily settle down and grow happily ever after with..

but for now, i'm delirious..and in need of sleep.

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