it's amazing what a good cry, a hot spa, a long conversation with sam and a peaceful night's sleep can do for a girl. my headache has gone (thank fuck) and i'm feeling pretty much like myself. it's been a while since i felt like the mentalcase that i was yesterday - and hopefully it'll be a while before i feel that way again.
sam called before she went to netball, and she's still not sure whether or not she's going to come down here today - but i'll be keeping my fingers, toes and legs crossed that she does.
we were talking on the phone last nite about how it drives her crazy that i never talk to her or let her into my head or tell her my opinions on anything. she told me how she was hurt and embarassed that the only way she could find out that i had a ba day on thursday was because she read it in here. i felt bad.
and i felt embarassed.
i can see it from her point of view, because i had a partner once who never shared much with me, and the only way i ever found out what was going on in her head was through others or via email. and i remember how frustrating that was and now here i am doing it to this woman that i love so much. i don't mean to do it - i've just never ever opened up. i'm a big believer in my problems are my own and i'll do with them what i must. it works for me - and it's helped me through some pretty big challenges. but here, and now, i am finding myself wanting to open up to sam - but i really truely do not know how.
sometimes i do try talking to her, but i open my mouth and the words they simply do not come out. like last nite on the phone i wanted to say so much, but all i could do was sit there and be silent..and just breathe..it's frustrating for me too..but at the moment, i just dunno a way around it.
last nite during our marathon 4 hour conversation i got my wires crossed and thought that sam was wanting to end our relationship. of course she wasn't, but it was just me and my silly mind that misinterpreted almost everything that she said, and i started bawling like a fucking baby. i was so stunned when these tears started falling and i couldn't speak (partly because i hate it when people know i am crying, and partly because i refuse to speak if i sound like a sook). i tried to hold it back, but before i knew it i was sniffling and sooking and blubbering into the phone. i think it shocked sam, and i really didn't mean to make her feel guilt but she apologised for upsetting me. only i couldn't get it out to explain to her that she had nothing to apologise for - because it was my own silly fault for ballsing things up.
but the thought of her wanting us to break up really got to me...fuck...it made me feel things that i hadn't felt for, well, for a good long time. it made me feel how i felt back when linda and i broke up and god it scared the shit outta me. i love sam. and our last 6 months have really been fantastic. sure, we have our bad days just like everyone else - but to me, those bad days are just learning curves. i don't want a perfect relationship.
i don't want to be with someone who never annoys me, or hurts me, or pisses me off.
i want challenges goddamnit.
but most of all, i just want sam.
she asked me last nite why i want to be with her..and if i hadn't have been so busy crying i probably would have screamed at her.
i wanna be with her because she makes me feel something that i can honestly say i have never ever felt before.
i wanna be with her because she teaches me something new (whether it be about life, her, or even myself) every single day.
i wanna be with her because i love her.
i wanna be with her because i really couldn't imagine my life without her. they're probably not the greatest answers, or even what she wants to hear - but it's how i feel.
but for now, i'm gonna go unwind in a spa.
-dannii
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jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble