dannii
january 16 - pfffffttttttttt [2002-01-16 @ 11:30p.m.]
i am sooooo wound up right now that it's unfuckingbelievable...*twitching*
today has been a shocker of a day with both robbie and uncle being admitted to different hospitals (robert broke his arm and needed surgery and uncle went into a diabetic coma).
on the way home from visiting robbie at dandenong hospital, i got this really bad feeling about linda...so as soon as i got home i tried calling her...and calling her...and calling her. after about 6 tries, i called the house and asked christopher where she was...and amazingly enough, she was at nikki's *sigh*
so i stole my mum's car and drove out to morwell and renee, joh and i went on a "save linnie" mission.well linnie was at nikkis, and after waiting around for over an hour, and then driving home, i got fucking pulled over by the cops for a breath test...can you believe it??? my heart almost stopped...i think at the moment my pulse is 356b.p.m and my blood pressure is hovering around 250/460...ok....so maybe it's not that bad...but i certainly got a fright...but the thing that pisses me off most is that it was all one great big fucking waste of time. yeah i know that linda didn't need rescuing...nor did she ask me to risk my ass and drive into morwell...but she coul have at least spoken to me when i called..
i know that linnie's hurting right now...i can see how devistating that this break up was to her...god, i look in her eyes and it's amazing how much of my former pathetic self that i see...but this woman is just wrong. she's psycho, crazy, insane...she's a cold-hearted cunt of a fuckmongrel who doesn't deserve to even know someone like linda, let alone actually be with her. but..i guess at the end of the day, what ever linda does is her decision - i just don't think that i can support her on this one. for almost 3 years (well...2 years and 6 months) i've supported linda on every decision she's ever made..every single one...whether they be wrong or right, i've been there...nodding and smiling and supporting like the dutiful friend...even through our own break up. but now...i just don't think i'll be able to fully support her on this one *sigh*
god i must sound like a fucking martyr or something....but i just hating seeing linda hurt...even more, i HATE sitting back and watching fuckmongrel hurt linda. linda says that she's not really sure whether or not she'll get back with her, but i know linnie, and i'd like to think that i'm somewhat familiar with how she thinks..and, well, lets just say that i wouldn't be surprised if i get a call in the near furture telling me that they're back together.
sometimes i worry that my dislike for nikki and my total disgust at the thought of linda taking her back is due (in some way) to jealousy. and i guess in my own way i am jealous. not jealous of someone [other than me] having linda, but more so that someone like fuckmongrel deserves chance after chance after chance ~ and i didn't. i know i shouldn't be hurt by this..and i know it shouldn't matter because i have sam and i'm so deliriously happy with her..but something must be wrong with me because it does hurt...and it cuts to the bone and it stings like a motherfucker. i think the most painful part of it is, that the more i listen to linda talk about nikki and how much she loves her, just make me feel that it's reinforcing how little she really loved me. hell...i know linda loved me, she must have to have put up with me for as long as she did...and again, i know that i shouldn't care at all...but i do. we spent 2 years together...linda left her husband, and her home, and gave up a big part of her life to be with me, and now she somehow magically makes it all sound like none of that really mattered...and that i was somehow not as special or lovable as nikki...because it was so easy for her to walk away from me, but so god damned hard to let go of her.
so yeah...i guess all of this does boil down to simple and good old fashioned jealousy and i hate it*sigh* i don't know why i'm jealous...it' been almost 6 months and this shit shouldn't really matter to me anymore...but it really does because it hurts...i don't really know why it hurts, but it does and i so much fucking resent the fact that it does...i wish that linda hadn't spent those few days in melbourne with me and opened her soul to me about nikki...i wish that i hadn't been her friend or her shoulder to cry on...and i really, really, REALLY resent the fact that i'm resenting all this shit...i don't like knowing that linda, and things to do with linda, are still capable of hurting me..
and the most fucked up part of all of this is that i'm feeling these feelings of hurt and jealousy at the same time that i'm madly in love with sam. i feel like a cunt..i feel like, in some weird-ass, mixed-up kinda way that i'm somehow cheating on sam. not cheating on her physically, of course..but emotionally. i hate knowing that while sam's right in front of me making me happy, that these thoughts of linda and the nikki can make me sad. it's not that i'm in love with linda or anything like that...i just feel really guilty knowing that thinking about linda can still cause me pain, even though i am madly in love with the girl..
but enough of that....
like any friend...i just want linda to find happiness...i want her to find mz right and move on and settle down without all the shit that nikki seems to give her...i want linda to find every thing that she's ever dreamed of...but i just don't wanna feel like i was inadequate. despite the time that's gone by, and all of the water that's gone under the bridge - i'm still human and my ego is still bruisable.
but who knows, maybe linda and nikki are meant to be together...maybe linda's right to think that she should give it *one more chance*...maybe they can even get past all of this crud that's surfaced over the last few months and work it out...and while i find all of this highly doubtful, i guess all i can do from now on is just sit back and keep my mouth shut. i know that linda will never really understand why i'm so anti-nikki...just like i'll never be able to comprehend why she's thinks that nikki's so wonderful...but one thing i do know is that if i want to keep my friend, i need to accept her choices, no matter how fucked-up or insane that they may seem to me. linda loves nikki...truely and [obviously] unconditionally...i'm even thinking that she loves nikki more than what i loved her... and that's a quite a bit...
i love linda, there's no denying that...i love her in a way that sometimes i don't really understand. it's definately not a sexual kind of love...and it's more than just a *friendship* kind of love...the only i can really describe it (without confusing myself or anyone else) is that ...well... i can't really describe it.
sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if linda and i had never broken up...i would never have moved in with mum and dad...i wouldn't have had those wonderously crazy 3 months of fun and freedom...but more painfully is that i would never have met, or fallen in love with sam. it's funny how wonderfully amazing these last three months have been...but what's even stranger is that i don't recall ever feeling this kind of love before. that must sound so silly...i've been thinking alot about love lately..and how it changes from partner to partner..
but more on this later...
0 comment so far..
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last five
jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble
today has been a shocker of a day with both robbie and uncle being admitted to different hospitals (robert broke his arm and needed surgery and uncle went into a diabetic coma).
on the way home from visiting robbie at dandenong hospital, i got this really bad feeling about linda...so as soon as i got home i tried calling her...and calling her...and calling her. after about 6 tries, i called the house and asked christopher where she was...and amazingly enough, she was at nikki's *sigh*
so i stole my mum's car and drove out to morwell and renee, joh and i went on a "save linnie" mission.well linnie was at nikkis, and after waiting around for over an hour, and then driving home, i got fucking pulled over by the cops for a breath test...can you believe it??? my heart almost stopped...i think at the moment my pulse is 356b.p.m and my blood pressure is hovering around 250/460...ok....so maybe it's not that bad...but i certainly got a fright...but the thing that pisses me off most is that it was all one great big fucking waste of time. yeah i know that linda didn't need rescuing...nor did she ask me to risk my ass and drive into morwell...but she coul have at least spoken to me when i called..
i know that linnie's hurting right now...i can see how devistating that this break up was to her...god, i look in her eyes and it's amazing how much of my former pathetic self that i see...but this woman is just wrong. she's psycho, crazy, insane...she's a cold-hearted cunt of a fuckmongrel who doesn't deserve to even know someone like linda, let alone actually be with her. but..i guess at the end of the day, what ever linda does is her decision - i just don't think that i can support her on this one. for almost 3 years (well...2 years and 6 months) i've supported linda on every decision she's ever made..every single one...whether they be wrong or right, i've been there...nodding and smiling and supporting like the dutiful friend...even through our own break up. but now...i just don't think i'll be able to fully support her on this one *sigh*
god i must sound like a fucking martyr or something....but i just hating seeing linda hurt...even more, i HATE sitting back and watching fuckmongrel hurt linda. linda says that she's not really sure whether or not she'll get back with her, but i know linnie, and i'd like to think that i'm somewhat familiar with how she thinks..and, well, lets just say that i wouldn't be surprised if i get a call in the near furture telling me that they're back together.
sometimes i worry that my dislike for nikki and my total disgust at the thought of linda taking her back is due (in some way) to jealousy. and i guess in my own way i am jealous. not jealous of someone [other than me] having linda, but more so that someone like fuckmongrel deserves chance after chance after chance ~ and i didn't. i know i shouldn't be hurt by this..and i know it shouldn't matter because i have sam and i'm so deliriously happy with her..but something must be wrong with me because it does hurt...and it cuts to the bone and it stings like a motherfucker. i think the most painful part of it is, that the more i listen to linda talk about nikki and how much she loves her, just make me feel that it's reinforcing how little she really loved me. hell...i know linda loved me, she must have to have put up with me for as long as she did...and again, i know that i shouldn't care at all...but i do. we spent 2 years together...linda left her husband, and her home, and gave up a big part of her life to be with me, and now she somehow magically makes it all sound like none of that really mattered...and that i was somehow not as special or lovable as nikki...because it was so easy for her to walk away from me, but so god damned hard to let go of her.
so yeah...i guess all of this does boil down to simple and good old fashioned jealousy and i hate it*sigh* i don't know why i'm jealous...it' been almost 6 months and this shit shouldn't really matter to me anymore...but it really does because it hurts...i don't really know why it hurts, but it does and i so much fucking resent the fact that it does...i wish that linda hadn't spent those few days in melbourne with me and opened her soul to me about nikki...i wish that i hadn't been her friend or her shoulder to cry on...and i really, really, REALLY resent the fact that i'm resenting all this shit...i don't like knowing that linda, and things to do with linda, are still capable of hurting me..
and the most fucked up part of all of this is that i'm feeling these feelings of hurt and jealousy at the same time that i'm madly in love with sam. i feel like a cunt..i feel like, in some weird-ass, mixed-up kinda way that i'm somehow cheating on sam. not cheating on her physically, of course..but emotionally. i hate knowing that while sam's right in front of me making me happy, that these thoughts of linda and the nikki can make me sad. it's not that i'm in love with linda or anything like that...i just feel really guilty knowing that thinking about linda can still cause me pain, even though i am madly in love with the girl..
but enough of that....
like any friend...i just want linda to find happiness...i want her to find mz right and move on and settle down without all the shit that nikki seems to give her...i want linda to find every thing that she's ever dreamed of...but i just don't wanna feel like i was inadequate. despite the time that's gone by, and all of the water that's gone under the bridge - i'm still human and my ego is still bruisable.
but who knows, maybe linda and nikki are meant to be together...maybe linda's right to think that she should give it *one more chance*...maybe they can even get past all of this crud that's surfaced over the last few months and work it out...and while i find all of this highly doubtful, i guess all i can do from now on is just sit back and keep my mouth shut. i know that linda will never really understand why i'm so anti-nikki...just like i'll never be able to comprehend why she's thinks that nikki's so wonderful...but one thing i do know is that if i want to keep my friend, i need to accept her choices, no matter how fucked-up or insane that they may seem to me. linda loves nikki...truely and [obviously] unconditionally...i'm even thinking that she loves nikki more than what i loved her... and that's a quite a bit...
i love linda, there's no denying that...i love her in a way that sometimes i don't really understand. it's definately not a sexual kind of love...and it's more than just a *friendship* kind of love...the only i can really describe it (without confusing myself or anyone else) is that ...well... i can't really describe it.
sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if linda and i had never broken up...i would never have moved in with mum and dad...i wouldn't have had those wonderously crazy 3 months of fun and freedom...but more painfully is that i would never have met, or fallen in love with sam. it's funny how wonderfully amazing these last three months have been...but what's even stranger is that i don't recall ever feeling this kind of love before. that must sound so silly...i've been thinking alot about love lately..and how it changes from partner to partner..
but more on this later...
0 comment so far..
jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble