man, i feel a litle bit better about everything that i did earlier on this morning... this morning on my way to school i acually thought i was going to cry.. i am not sad (at least i don't think i am) but i did feel guilty...i feel bad about leanne...and about what i'm doing to ange. i am giving her such mixed signals and i don't know why...or what to do. but today while i was in the computer lab at uni linda showed up...fuck man, she always seems to know when i am in need, and it's nice to know that she's there for me. we came back here to mum and dad's and i told her all about my woes...not that they're real woes...but just things that are getting to me...i told her all about how i feel bad for leanne and stuff, and how i like ange but i don't think i'm ready...it kinda felt weird to actually talk to her about me and my feelings for other girls, but at the same time it was nice. i like spending time with linda..and i think that the more time i spend with her (even if it is just a day here and a day there) the more i grow as a person...when i am around linda, i am reminded of the person that i used to be, and it makes me want to be a better person (and hopefully, a better lover with my next partner) yeah, i know like i sounds as if i have some kind of bi-polar personality disorder coz one minutes i love being around her and the next i don't..but today was really, really nice...there's no longer any bullshit between us and we can be exactly what we want to be. well, i can atleast...< when we were talking she said tha she still felt a little bit of "hatered and resentment" towards me...and while i don't exactly know why, i guess in a weird kinda bizarre way that's a good thing because it means that she loves me enough to hate me..mind you, when i look back i can see how unfair i was a a partner...i mean, while i would have given any material posession on the planet to make her happy, i just wasn't willing to give certain physical and psychological things..but i know i am not the same person that i was when i was with linnie...i am using retrospect as a guide to change the things about me that she hated, and that ended up coming between us...sometimes, retrospect is a prick *L* sometimes, not very often, i wish that things were different between us...sometimes i even wonder what things would be like if i hadn't have walked out that nite...i don't sit there and dwell or anything, but i wish i knew if we would have still broken up if i hadn't have left. it's funny...coz in the past thinking of that would have made me sad...but now thinking of it almost makes me stronger...i feel like a better person just knowing that i have come thru the break up and the last few weeks relatively unscathed. when linda left before i gave her a kiss goodbye on the forhead...she told me not to be silly and give her a proper kiss and i somehow ended up accidentally planting one on her lips... i was totally shocked...coz i no longer feel the need or desire to kiss her in anything more than a friendly way...all i could do was apologise...and all she could do was laugh at me...i felt like such a dickhead hehehe. but i felt better when she smiled and said "it's ok", coz friends who have shared as much as we have can kiss like that.. i have gotta say tho....i miss kissing linda. or maybe i just miss the intimacy of kissing *someone*...i dunno which one it is...i almost kissed ange the other night, but i couldn't go through with it. i wanted to, but something in side pulled me back, so i didn't. i have been really taking notice of my gut feeling lately - even if it's the opposite of what i *think* i want.
anyway, i'm gonna get off line for a while and go study - god, it's all bad having a new computer and burner...hehe...i'll never get any uni work done ;-)

~dannii

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