she came back online again...
to chat to me..
to vent..about relationship stuff..
which i dont mind of course, cuz i'd chat to that girl about the physics of drying paint...
and i like that after all we have been through, she feels she can open up to me..that she can come to me for support and advice...
i love that..

i know it's silly, but just seeing her name on my screen makes my heart skip a beat..and then when i actually get a message from her, good lord..i forget to breathe..it's bizarro..
sometimes i have a laugh and think that if i have these physiological reactions over a name on my computer screen, how would i react if it was in person? i think i'd pee my pants..after all, the last time i saw her was at the funeral and that really wouldn't have been the most appropriate place to pee in public..so yeah..it's probably a good thing that i dont see her all that often. i dont think my poor circulatory system could deal with it *laughs*

i can't go into details (cuz i dont know them all cuz never ask..it's not my place) but we got on to the topic of her being a great big hunk-o-spunk :-
Dannii says: well so-and-so *edited* couldn't possibly be spunkier than you are, so you've got nothing to worry about
Sam says: spunkiness is not everything
Dannii says: well i was going to say you are an extremely amazing person, but felt it would be crossing the line
Sam says: thanks.. pity you didnt realise that last year

*sigh* no, i did not realise that last year..and yes that is a pity..but what is even more of a pity is i realise it now...i more than realise it...i live with it..constantly...that i fucked up the best thing i have ever known..and i let her walk out of my life..
i wanted to tell her that...that i know now how amazing she is...and that i want nothing more in life than to be given a second chance to show her...to be with her...to love her and give her everyhing that her heart could possibly desire...to undo all the fucking stupid wrongs i ever did and make them right...but not even with all the dutch courage (or vodka) in the world could i ever tell that girl how i truely feel about her..
never..
and i think that is a bit of a shame...

it's not all that bad though, cuz really, we are friends..and she is still in my life. it's not like i feel this way about someone that hates me and wont even give me the time of day. because that would be unbearable..at least this way, we are mates..we can still have a loving relationship...just in the way that friends love...so it's not all that bad..

this time last year we were still together, but fighting (and about to break up)..over something ridiculously silly that i can't even remember what it was...it's funny how i no longer remember what sam and i used to fight about, only that we used to fight and it'd hurt like hell..
sometimes i wonder where sam and i would be at if we hadn't have let the silly little things get to us...would we still be deliriously happy togther? or would we have gotten bored and parted ways anyway? one things for sure, i wouldn't be where i am now..i wouldn't have thrown myself head first into climbing the career ladder, i wouldn't be working these two jobs that i love..i wouldn't be living this lifestyle that i've become so accustomed to...and i certainly wouldn't be considering leaving the state to study medicine in tropical north queensland...but, i possibly still would have had her and i would still be complete...

but..i guess i do have the jobs and i do have the money and there are plenty more fish in the sea..so it's not all as bad as i sometimes make it out to be...

and who knows...one day...one day the planets might realign and it'll all fall into place again. i'm not going to hold my breath until that happens..but i certainly wouldn't ever rule it out.

/end rant

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