so i just wrote the best entry, and it disappeared..

fuck fuck fuck..

and now i can't be bothered going through it all again, cuz i'm exhausted..
but for those of you out there that read this and take an interest in my life, i will try again..

so i went to the funeral today..and..despite the circumstances, i had a great day..
i had been so anxious about seeing sam again...so much so that i've had the squirts for days(sorry about the mental image) and haven't been able to eat anything since yesterday lunch time (and still haven't)..but it was a good day, and i'm glad i went.
i'm glad i got over my fear of seeing her again..because really, there was nothing to be fearful of..
upon seeing her, my heart didn't stop as i had feared it would. nor did my head explode when she reached out to me and hugged me. she cried on my shoulder, and all i felt was pain. part of it was part of the pain that she was feeling over her grandmother..and the rest of it was knowing that there was nothing at all i could do to ease any of it or make her tears go away...so yeah..
i also got to meet the new girlfriend, which was good, cuz seeing sam entangled with someone else didn't cause me to have a stroke or start convusling.. which well and truely means that any feelings i still have for her are old ones carried over from what her and i once had...and i'm not really burning my hand holding a flame that should be long extinguished..
rather, i have to say, i think it's the memories of what sam and i shared that i'm still in love with...much more than the person herself.
sure i love her.
i love her in a way that some of us love our ex's. i love her in a similar way to how i love linnie...that indescribale, unexplainable way that i care for people who have shared significant parts of my life. and you've gotta admit, sam and i shared one helluva rollercoaster. more importantly, we survived it..
so there ya go..
it was good to hang out with her though...i only wish the circumstances had been different cuz each time we have a giggle or shared a laugh, i was reminded that there was a cloud of sadness hanging over us...
anyway..
it was good to see her family again, too..and it was nice to have been greeted by each and every one of them with a hug and a kiss..because once sam and i split, i never got around to seeing any of them again or getting to say goodbye. so that was nice..

anyway..
i'm still a little pissed that my previous kick-ass entry has been swolled whole...so i'm going to go to bed and sulk.
hopefully now the dreams will stop..



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