what a day today has been..
*rubbing my head*...
i knew from the very beginning that it was going to be a shitter...only i had no idea how much of a shitter it was going to turn into or i wouldn't have even bothered getting out of bed this morning..

i dreamt about her again last nite..
from the moment i fell asleep until the minute i opened my eyes, it felt as if my head was full of nothing but her. they weren't bad dreams..not like i used to have..but just the fact that they were dreams was enough...the fact that she's so embedded in my subconscious freaks me out. i mean...it's not like i want her there...well...that probably didn't come out the right way but i know what i mean..
it scares me that i think of her so much, especially when i don't know why i think of her that much. it's not that i'm still in love (not with her anyway)...and i certainly dont want to be back with her...so i just don't get why she's there..
if anything, it should be *omits name for legal reasons* that i think too much of or dream about...not an ex from what seems to be a lifetime ago..

anyway..

so on to my shitty day at work.
after a night full of dreams about sam, i went to work slightly weirded out and thinking of her..then i looked at yesterday's newspaper and saw her grandmother's funeral notice..and i just started crying...
i couldn't help it..
it was weird..
maybe i'm tired..and overworked...cuz really, i don't know exactly why i was so sad...i mean, of course i'm sad about babcia's death...she was the most amazing lady and she was always so nice to me...and yeah i'm also a little sad knowing that sambo's sad...but to spend a day at work crying over it??
..i dunno..
so i've decided to go to the funeral tomorrow..
i wasn't going to..because (1) i was working, and (2) i just thought it'd be *weird*...but after a long, hard think (and an sms's from sam saying that "it'd be good" if i went) i have decided i will..
so yeah..

i think i'm also probably (asmuchasidontwanttoadmitit) a little saddened over the whole alison thing..i dunno...i knew from the start that it wasn't going to go terribly far...but maybe i had hoped it would have gone a little further than it did...and now with her being away i'm missing her, and missing having her around (cuz we've pretty much lived together for the last few months)...

i think the older i get the more i crave someone to share my life with..although (at the moment) that's pretty much what ali and i are doing...i want more...
i don't mean from her..i just mean in general...
i do know a big part of my thoughts about sam comes from the fact that i miss what her and i*had*... i miss the companionship of it...
i miss what we shared...
of course, i dont miss the bitching and screaming and fighting...but i want that kind of *closeness* again...

but anyway...i'm babbling...and am sure i'm sounding mighty pathetic right about now.....

i think i need zoloft..

*laughs*



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