what an exhausting day it has been..

today was supposed to be my day off, but i got called in at the prison to cover a nurse so she could go to the officer's funeral..i didn't want to work...not today. i just wanted to spend today curled up in bed with my laptop..
but i knew that there was no one else to cover her so i went in. besides, i know she'd do the same for me if ever i couldn't work a shift.

at first, i kinda forgot the reason behind why i had been called in (to cover the funeral) until about 9am and it was all everyone was talking about.
there's been such mixed emotion about this death ("he's a paedophile"/"he was our work mate")..and i've been a good little girl and kept my comments to myself.
yes, there has been talk of kiddie porn charges contributing to his death (suicide?)..but..he is also someone's son/husband/father.
there are people out there that are grieving now because their son/husband/dad is dead. and to make it worse for them, there's all the media crap surrounding it.
so all day today i've had to listen to people bitch, moan and add their 2cents to something that really isn't any of their business anyway...but because of all the crap that is alread going on at the prison i decided to try and keep the peace and keep my opinions to myself...and not call them all hypocritical fucks.
which they are..
regardless of what the newspapers say..he was a person. and he died. no matter what, that's sad..

more on the topic of sadness..
i got an sms from the girl before...her nana died...
man..
i was...shocked...
i just sat there feeling kinda numb..and cried and cried and cried...
i think hearing that news kinda topped off what had already been a very emotional day...but i was still sad.
sad cuz i knew her...sad cuz i liked her...but mostly (and this probably sounds stupid)...sad because i knew sambo was sad.
and sad because no matter what, i can never hug her and tell her how sorry i am.
i remember when my dad died...i flew straight home and sam was waiting there for me at the airport. i saw her and just broke down. i dont remember much about the trip from the airport to mums, but i remember feeling so supported by her. she was just there..
waiting..
waiting for me to talk, so that she could listen. waiting for me to cry, so that she could wipe my tears away.
man..for months after my dad's death i was so confused and angry and hurt and i took a world's worth of problems out on her. i was so mean and fucking horrible. i was hurting so much inside that i wanted everyone around me to hurt as much too..only i couldn't make everyone else hurt, so i took it all out on her. and she just stood there, right by my side and took every last bit of it...she never once argued back or questioned it. she knew i was hurting and because of that she hurt to..
the awful thing is, after all the anger and pain went away, i never apologised to her. i never told her how much of a cunt i had been and how truely sorry i was for it, and how grateful i was that she stayed with me. that she shared the burdeon of my pain..and she doesn't know...

*shaking my head*
i think i could write/type/talk about sam until the end of time..and i'd never quite say it all..

anyway..

there's more to write but the wine has kicked in and i need to get to bed. i'm working for the next 10 days straight and i really need to catch up on some sleep..

hopefully tomorrow will be a little brighter.



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