starting music:- "silence" - delirium & sarah mc

so as the theme of my last entry would suggest, i've been thinking of her a lot lately...especially today...
yes i miss her...i miss us...but i can't help thinking that maybe it's just the companionship and affection that i really miss..and i only really think of her because she is the last person that i had both affection and companionship with..

sure..ali and i have had our little share of both...but i dunno...at the moment the whole ali thing just seems weird. sure i love and adore her as a person...but we are worlds apart at the moment. i look at her sometimes, and i see her in the same light that i did a few weeks ago...the one where i could easlily spend lots of time and eventually fall madly in love with...but then she'll say something or do something and totally knock me out of the water.
i know it's going to sound dicky, but i keep on forgetting that she's straight..and that settling down and growing old with some crazy dyke just isn't part of her equation....i especially forget that when we're snuggle up in bed together..like last night...where the last thing she did before falling asleep was roll over and wrap herself around me..it was beautiful..and i so badly wanted to kiss her...but i know that's not something that she'd be in to (even though there was a time oh-not-so-long-ago when she was very into it) and i respect where she's at...rather, i'm trying to respect where she's at.
i guess my biggest issue with the ali saga is i kinda dont really know why all the sexual stuff stopped, yet all the emotional stuff seems just the same, if not more intense at times. i know both ali and i had our own "i dont think i really want this" issues...but...oh i dunno what i'm on about...i got distracted by the tv and totally lots my train of though..

on that note, i'm gonna go play with some of the new toys i bought while in canberra...
just cuz i'm single, doesn't mean i cant romp around the bed..*eyebrow waggle*



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