i just sent ali the most ridiculous email..

well..the content wasn't ridiculous...but the way i worded it was. she's going to think i'm a complete and utter freak. but i dont think i really care. (1) i wont be here when she reads it, and (2) everything i wrote needed to be said...so yeah..

it's funny..cuz i used to write sam emails and freak out and think "oh my god how will she react" but i dont think like that anymore...rather, after hitting send these days i normally think "well i'm glad i got that off my chest"..and i am..

the email to ali was basically about me feeling very confused with *us* at the moment, and how there are a lot of mixed signals. and while i stressed that i enjoyed how much time we spend together and how we still sleep in the same bed, i kidna said that i didn't think it was terribly healthy, especially if we aren't going anywhere. i hope she doesn't see any of it as me trying to be manipulative. rather it's just my way of letting her in on the crazyness tht rattles around my head.
i am confused.
and there do seem to be a lot of mixed signals.
and i just wanna know where i stand.
afterall, i adore her as a person and respect her as a colleague and i dont really want to be falling into any kinda crazy-weird-ass friendship with her - if we aren't arleady in one.
cuz really...we already act like an old married couple...the way we do things together and do things for one another. and i've gotta admit, i dont exactly treat her like any of my other friends...and i would like more from her, cuz she's charming and funny and i enjoy spending time with her...but i'm not looking for happy-ever-after...at least not at this stage in my life.
right now, i would very much like someone to share my self with..someone to laugh with, and talk to about my day. someone to share my hopes, dreams and fears with. someone i can lean on when life isn't being so rosey..and someone that feels secure enough to lean on me. i was some one to hug. someone to hold me. it doesn't have to be sexual, but sometimes kisses would be nice. i want someone i can trust with my deepest, darkest fears...i dunno...maybe i want too much...

but anyway..the email...she's gonna think i'm a freak. but as long as none of it gets misconstrued and pisses her off, i dont really care what she thinks.



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