so i'm back in the motel after the much-awaited-for ani gig..and i'm feeling like i just want to curl up and die..

ani was good...but the company wasn't so good..linda's dad fell ill and she had to cancel coming out with me, so i ended up sms'ing sam and asking her. she agreed..and i was so excited to see her...but when i finally did it all kinda turned to shit and i spent most of the concert being not really talkative..

afterwards, she offered to drive me back to my motel..and i was pleased and apprehenisve at the same time...anyway...to cut a long story short...i ended up telling her i ever wanted to see her again, and now i'm sitting all alone in my over-priced room, crying onto my kepboard, and contemplating taking a nose dive of the balcony just to get rid of this fucking headache..

*kicks desk*..

it's all fucked...really...
she tells me she is tempted to get back together..but that there are too many things holding her back...i told her i'm not doing negativity anymore...and i walked away.
i hoped she mean't what she said enough to come running after me. or to at least tell me not to go. but neither happened.
sometimes i get the feeling that sam doesn't like it when i show affection and tell her how much she means to me...but she likes it even less when i am indifferent and blase...so i dont fucking know what i am supposed to do and it's really making me just want to break things.

last weekend...when she came to visit me and curled up besides me and then kissed me...god...i dont think i could put into words how that made me feel..i was so happy that i had some hope..even if it was just a tiny kiss and some holding...but it was something, ya know? because she wanted to kiss me..she lean't in..she put in the effort..she took a risk...and i felt so fucking good about myself...but now..blah..

meh...i have got to stop this pathetic-cunt moaning and get past this.

it is never going to change. and i need to deal.



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