ok..so the lowdown..

well...sam got here at about 7 last nite..and at first it was a bit strained...cuz i had no idea what my boundaries were, so i pretty much kept out of her way and just loved her from afar..
we made some dinner..and watched some tv...and because i had seen the show and it mean't reading subtitles...i played on my computer while she watched tv. it was nice..kinda like old times..because at home..back in the good old days...we quite often ignored each other while staring mindlessly at the tv..
so yeah..
afterwards...it got a bit awkward...because i had no idea at all where she would want to sleep. so rather than be presumptious, i told her i would make up a bed for her in mum's room...she looked at me and told me that she may as well go home...so i offered robert's room..and again she told me she would go home.
rather than see her leave and spend another 2 hours in the car heading home, i offered my bed and she seemed satisfied.
mind you...it wasn't much of a challenge asking the woman that i'm madly in love with if she would like to spend the night curled up in bed besides me..but i had to at least pretend like i didn't care either way. and she agreed...and it was nice..
we stayed up for a while..just talking and whatnot...and i ended up getting quite frustrated with this entire fucked-up situation of ours and i rolled over in a huff and went to sleep..
and 8 hours later i woke up with a fright because there was someone in my bed (for a few minutes - i'd obviously forgotten she was here)..and even more frightening was that when i realised it was sam and why she was here, i also realised that i had my arms wrapped around her and i was holding on for dear life. and rather than let go, i took advantage of the situation and just laid there in sleepy bliss holding her...feeling her breathe...and remembering how much i have longed to experience that again *smiling*..
it really was beautiful..and i could have stayed there like that forever..
but she woke up and i freaked out that she'd get angry at me for touching her, so i let go and rolled over, too..pretending like i was asleep and had no idea at all what i was doing..
and she rolled over, too...and wrapped her arms around me and buried her head into my pillow and it was the best i have felt in a long time.
of course..i didn't look too far into it because i know that some habits die hard. but still, it felt nice. nice to feel her wrapping her arms around me -especially after all the fighting and abusing and horrible crap.
once we both woke up and our brains started functioning, we stayed in bed for a few hours and just talked...and while she didn't realise that i'm the most wonderful person to ever walk into her life and she really can't live without me, we didn't fight or say anything catty. which again, is a nice change from the last month..
there was this one stage...where we were looking at each other and our faces were so close and i thought to myself "it would be so easy to kiss her right now" and before i thought about why it would be wrong to actually reach in that extra centimetre and kiss her, and reached in and kissed me and took me totally by surprise..
i swear..for a few seconds my heart stopped beating..
and although i wasn't particularly responsive..it was as scary, and exciting and stomach churning as the very first time she did it, over 30 months ago..and it was as if i fell in love with her all over again (if that's at all possible)..and while i didn't take it as her wanting to get back with me...i did see it as an extremely positive sign..because i know sam...i know how she is at the moment...and i know what she thinks about kissing...and for her to reach over and actually kiss me in the midst of all this confusion..then that is a very good thing, indeed..

anyway..there is more...but for now i should go to sleep. i just got home from work...and as much as i would like to go on and on and on about the wonder that is sam..i should really go wash my uniform for tomorrow and head into bed..
if i am lucky..it will still smell like her..

aaahh...just as an endnote...it's amazing how...all this horrible and evil bad shit...all the crap and tears of the last month have simply disappeared...all because she kissed me...and told me how much she missed me..

i dont know if we will ever get back together...and right now...that's not even an issue...i am just happy knowing that she really does care for me..and doesn't hate me at all..
right now..i feel better than i've felt for a long time..



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