she always lets me down..no matter when or what the situation - she simply can not ever do anything that makes me happy.
but i am just as bad for holding on to something that simply isn't worth holding on to..

over the last few days she has told me "we will catch up"..it's gone from "i will come down there" to "how about we meet up in melb on wednesday nite" and now it's at "i can't...it'll hurt too much"
she thinks i want to lure her down here to get her into bed or get her drunk and seduce her or whatever...when really..i just wanna see her.
she's stressing that we need to be friends...but she doesn't seem to want to get close enough to me to be anything more than just aquaintances.
i do want to see her..
even if just to hang out..
i dunno..
i'm a fucking idiot to have held on to the thought of sam and i for so long...i should have known a long time ago that we were nothing than just companions...but yeah..
at the moment..she's tossing up in between coming here and not coming here..and i know when push comes to shove she wont come. purely because she knows i want to see her..and because she seems to be hell bent on just doing the opposite.

sometimes i think that if i told her how much her just being alive made me happy..then she would contemplate suicide just to break my heart..

meh..

when did i turn into such a melodramatic asshole??

i went car shopping today....wooohoooo...and i think i'ma getting a subaru RX hatch.



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