she told me before:-

and while it's nice to know that she feels that way...it makes it feel that little bit worse...like...we both shared so many wonderful happy times, yet we couldn't just get it together enough to make it work.

i dont exactly know when it was that sam and i started drifting apart...but i do know it came on fast and furious...and before we knew it, there really wasn't anything we could to to turn it around or make it stop..
instead..
it just kept on happening like a cancer..we fought and fought (dont get me wrong, it wasn't all bad..)..and then one day we fought and it wasn't worth fighting no more so we ended it.
simple..
*sighs*

i know i've said a few times that this had been coming for a while..but that doesn't make it any less of a shame..

after chatting with sam before...i dont feel as angry as i did over the weekend about the whole break up thing..which is good, because anger is so awful and destructive..but rather, i feel sad that we could be so horrible to each other last week...and tonite we could both be so friendly and nice..i had told her earlier in the day that i wanted to talk to her..to clear the air and get some things off my chest...she told me she'd need a few days...but instead she came online and we had it out via msn..
all i really wanted to tell her was that, while i love and miss her..i do understand why we had to break up..and i finally agree that we are simply incompatible.
i dont think she really appreciated my new-found acceptance..because something in the way she was writing made me feel that she was disappointed...but it's true. i now understand what she was getting at every single time she told me "we just dont work"..but instead of wanting to give in and move on..i always managed to convince her to give it "one more go"...when maybe...maybe i should have just let it die.

it's funny..it's just on a year ago that sam and i had our first major fight and break up, and i ran off to sydney for the australia day weekend with alison and rach. and now here we are...an entire year, and many, many fights later..the same thing is happening again..it's amazing how much shit can squeeze itself into the course of a year..i mean...up until this time last year things with sam and i was pretty much..well..smooth sailing...then one event...one single event (so small i dont even know what it was) set off some chain of events and now we're here..

and i'll admit...i'm missing her like crazy.
despite it all..
the silly arguments..and mind-blowing fights..
i just miss knowing that she's around.
that i will be heading home to her..or that she's on her way home to me..
i miss the security of knowing that, no matter what, at the end of the day we are thinking about each other..and wondering how long it will be until we are together again..
and that's an awful thing to miss..



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