the thing that I hate most about being here at mums�is how much i miss sam.

i really hate being away from her.

but what i hate even more than being away from her, is having to spend nights alone�nights in a bed where she isn�t right besides me keeping me warm, or tucking herself in behind me.
I love it when she does that�all sleepy and tired�scooching across to my side of the bed, and planting herself right behind me..tucking her knees behind mine..thrusting her front against my back�and throwing her arm over and keeping me close.

i love that.

i love it even more when her movement wakes me up�and then I fall back asleep knowing that her wanting to be close to me is what woke me up in the first place.

but when I�m here�I don�t get that luxury�.cuz most nights when I�m here in this bed�sam is back at home, alone in ours.

i�ve never really been one to like people in my space while I�m either sleeping or going to sleep..but when I�m at home with the grrl, I physically can not fall asleep if at least one part of my body isn�t touching hers. even if my toe is just touching her foot..i need it to sleep soundly.
I think that�s why I have such shitty nights sleep here � because she�s not here to keep me feeling safe.

over the last few days i�ve spent a lot of time thinking about me, and sam, and what we share�and after the funeral, I really got to thinking about how sometimes I am quite the right little inconsiderate ass..and how I really do act before I think about any consequences. and I�m always the first to jump on and bitch about anything sam says or does..but I always make myself seem so wonderful and perfect..and I�m not.. and I�ve been thinking lots about this today..about how my late new year resolution should be to make some changes in order to be a better partner to sam. because she does deserve that much.

anyway..i definitely think too much when I�m here..
but I really do want to work at being a better partner..and a better friend to sam..she�s the love of my life � and after having looked back on 2003, I know I need to make some changes in order to make 2004 a better year.

lots of other things are going to change this year�with me working�and being away 10days a fortnight�so I really need to work at not making 2004 any harder than I think it�s going to be�and to not give sam any more grief than she�s probably going to be dealing with with us being apart..



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