god..

only 3 more sleeps until christmas...

and what a fantastic christmas i can seee it being...*insert whingy tone in here*..

i so dont wanna do the family thing...in fact, i don't particularly want to do the *people* thing...but i know that i have very little choice in the matter..and the thought of having to deal with too many family members in just a few days time is freaking me out..
but i am looking forward to the turkey..

had things not turned as evil as they have - the grrl and i were going to spend christmas morning and have an early lunch with her family...then the afternoon and dinnner with mine. this year is the first time (out of 3) that i'd been officially been invited to christmas lunch - and i felt special...because it means we were finally getting some recognition from her extended family...hell...then even sent a christmas card with both our names on it. i saw that card this morning before i left, and i wanted to take it...i dunno...like some kinda silly memento (yeah..i told ya i was pathetic)...but i thought that might jinx me somehow *laughing*...like this could possibly get any worse...
what i also left behind was my card to her...it's been siting on the drawers near the front door for over a week now, and she still hasnt opened it...which i think is bad for her - cuz she loves my cards...so i should have known then that she really wasn't interested...but i should hav grabbed the card...cuz there were some things in there that are probably inappropriate for her to read now...now that we're "not together anymore"...
i'm still pisssed that she was nice to me this morning...i shouldn't have gone near her...i shouldn't have put myself into the position where i could misinterpret the situation...i just thought that, afterall this time, her reaching out and touching me mean't something..

you'd think with all the times sam and i have fought and split that it'd be easier by now...like i'd be used to it...but each time the feelings hurt more than the last..and each time it seems to last longer...
maybe that's just because i know what's in store - so it's all magnified. cuz i know beforehand just how bad it's going to be..
maybe i am just crazy...

i have ben reading through a lot of old emails from her...and we have such highs and lows. there was a time where that grrl couldn't go a day (sometimes an hour) without letting me know how much i mean't to her...and now she doesn't wanna tell me because "i shouldn't have to" or "it takes too much effort"...
i dont want constant attention...honest i don't...
but i do wanna know i'm thought about...and i woulldn't mind knowing i'm loved..
not all the time...
but enough to know.



anyway..i dunno why i kep writing in here...because i'm probably making myself seem schitzophrenic with my ever changing thoughts and feelings...

because all i really do know is this hurts.



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