gawd i hate summer...i really do...
it's 11:33pm, and it's still 27degrees outside..and this place is like an oven...and i really couldn't sleep if i tried...*sighs*..

the grrl is in bed though, sleeping like a baby...and i wish i were in there next to her...but i'd just be tossing and turning and moaning and groaning and it'd just wake her up...
i have been pretty

tonite we went into the city and went out to dinner with linnie and janine...like always, it was good catching up with them, especially after the events of saturday nite. it was also good to see them both in a much better mood...
*smiling*..
we all needa do it more often...
anyway..

on the way back to the car the grrl asked me why i never stuck to "the rules"...
ummm....what rules, i inquired..
oh you know, she said, the rules where if we're out for your friends then you pay, and if we're out with mine, i pay...
mmm...dinner cozt $155, you see..
working out to $72.50 per couple..or roughly $36 each..
..anyway..the grrl gave me $50..and i gave her $10 and put in the rest (cuz i'm a broke uni bum)...it's not that i'm tight - but rather i didn't know that these silly rules existed...i mean, there are times where sam pays the lot...times where i pay...and times where we go dutch.
sure, she makes more money than i do, therefore she pays a lot more on stuff than me...but i do pull my weight..
and i've gotta say that it irks me when she suggests that maybe i dont...
like when we were in sydney...she made a comment about having to pay for everything...which bugged me...cuz while she did pay for the accomodation (i had not taken into consideration that we were gonna be rained out and not be able to pitch out tent)...i also managed to go through my saved $700 in just under 6 days *sigh*...not bad for someone that didn't pay for much..

but now i'm bitching..

i dunno..
i'm in a very touchy and and particularly frustrated mood at the moment..and it's probably being mangified by the full moon and the fact that my period is due any day now..
meh..
another month gone..
it seems i'm living period to period these days..
and i'm beginning to have sex issues again...or rather, i'm having issued with our lack-o-sex. and it's distracting me...especially after the rainbow room on saturday nite...i was as randy as all fuck...but something happened before the grrl got home...and she was sooky and i was sulky...and we were practically ignoring one another on the ride home, so i figured a bout between the sweets was out of the question - so i didn't even attempt to approach the possibility. which is a big part of the problem - my not ever bringing it up..instead i just vent my shit in here for strangers to read, in the hope that something else will come up and distract me and i'll forget about it for another month until my hormones start running rampant again...aaagghh...
i know the grrl isn't overly interested in sex at the moment, which is partly why i dont push the issue - cuz really, there's nothing worse than one-sided pity-sex...well..except maybe for one-sided pity-masturbation...but that belongs in a whole different diary...
so yeah..
i dunno..
i needa communicate with the grrl more..i really do. i say this every single time that i have one of these *moments*...but still, i never do it. i never communicate with her the way i know i need to...
or i do, for like 3 minutes then i clam up again..and lock her out of my head completely..
the other nite i got all sooky and oversensitive about, oh i dont even remember what it was about....but i just remember yelling at her and giving myself an excuse to be mean to her and to cry...and i made her cry...and i stormed around the house...and wen into the spare room and curled up on the bed and just cried like a child..
this went on for a lil while, and then she came in..she always comes in...i love that about her - but i hate that i have to be a cunt to her to get this reaction...anyway...she came in and i was crying on her, and she cried on me..and i don't remember what it was about or how it was resolved - only i do remember that if felt fucking good to just let it all out and sulk and snot..
she told me afterwards that she hates that i don't talk to her enough...and that sometimes, my not talking to her makes her feel as if i don't like her very much..
which, really, isn't the case...bur rather i don't know how to talk to her...
even though i know i should...which is a start...
but i guess also i'm worried that if i do open my mouth i'll let all the dumb words out and make the situation sound worse - because i do that. i mean to say something simple..and my brain kicks into idiot mode and all this shit comes out and makes everything sound worse.
*bangs head against the wall*..
also the fact that i hate the thought of pissing her off in any way/shape/form prevents me from saying anything that could possibly provoke any kind of negative response..cuz i'm a chicken shit...yes indeedy i am..

anyway..this pose could go on forever with my ramblings about what i needa do, and what i know i should do, but what i'll never do because i'm no good at it - but i should go have a shower and get to bed..

also...i really really wish there was a 24-hour starbucks within walking distance - cuz i could really go a mocha frappuccino right about now..

damn these hot summer nights...



0 comment so far..