the grrl and i went to her nephews christening to day..after such a late nite out last nite and stuff, i wasn't too sure how she was going to hold up but she did fine...she looked so spunky standing up there in the church in her long black skirt, almost made me engage in sinful thoughts *laughing*..we didn't stick around very long for the after party thing...
i had hoped that we'd be able to have a little chat about what went on yesterday and last nite, but so far we haven't..although, i'm not really at my most approachable at the moment because i'm here online writing and chatting, and because she's also busy playing on my old computer. she *borrowed* a modem for me from her work a while back so that i could come online while she wasn't home, but so far it hasn't been successful..

so yeah..about this whole *open relationship* thing...when sam and i were talking about it, i figured it really wasnt hypothetical...that was until we went out last nite and stuff got a little crazy...
i've spent most of today wondering, is it a bad sign that sam and i are now looking at other people? is it even worse that sam actually suggested it (even if it was half hearted)? i want to ask sam these questions, but i really don't know how.
last nite, i felt that sam would have had no qualms about going out and hitting on this other chick..and the funny thing is, i didn't feel threatened or jealous at all (ok, so maybe just a smidge..but not alot)..but i also knew that had i even so much as looked at alison side-ways, sam would have been out for blood..
and she pretty much was by the end of the nite..
nothing happened with alison and i (of course), but there was a bit of touching and a whole lot of flirting...needless to say, when we all got back here last nite things between the grrl and alison were a little cold. so much so, that 10 minutes after we got home sam practically kicked her out and insisted that i come to bed immediately..

i do feel strange though, because while i love my grrl with all my heart, i do feel some kind of connection with alison - one that can only cause trouble with the grrl and i. especially seeings as the grrl is already feeling a bit threatened by her. i'd never do anything though..i'm not the kind to cheat..but yesterday sam opened a door and put a thought in my head, and now i'm wondering is it going to be hard to get rid of that thought?..
i need to talk to sam about this..because, i know that for her to have initially proposed such a thing, she must have her own stuff going through her head.
sam, if nothing else, is extremely posessive (i mean that in the complimentary way), and i don't think she'd think twice about doing anything for the one she loves..but i also know, that when it comes to sam and i, there are two different sets of rules.
what is good for sam, isn't necessarily good for me..
i know this, and i've always known this, and up until last nite, it's never really been a problem.
last nite i spent a good hour watching my grrl watching someone else..and it didn't hurt..of course, it probably would have been a different story had there been physical contact involved, but i knew what sam was thinking about this girl and it didn't bother me as much as i thought it would..
and that scares me..
maybe i'm just thinking too much..
maybe sam was silly to even mention the whole open relatinship yesterday, because after last nite, it's obvious that she could never ever live in an open relationship...as much as she'd probably like herself to be free, she would never be able to give me that sam freedom..
and am i wrong to want that??
i dunno..it's all too weird..
funny thing is, with all the crazyness of last nite, i felt strangely liberated..

*shrugs*

i'm probably going to regret writing this tomorrow...but for now, i think i need to disconnect and go have a good hard talk with my girl.


0 comment so far..