i'm back in churchill yet again...when i really should be at home with sam.

since our huge blow out last week, things with us have been peachy-keen, which is a nice change...of course, i must admit that i am doubting whether or not it's real or if it's just the afterglow of making up. either way, i'm sure you'll all hear about it next week.

i feel bad though..turns out i wasn't exactly miss-explanatory in my email to linda, and i offended her with what i wrote...so that'll teach me for speed-writing long-ass deep-and-meaningfuls from an infested lil chinese net cafe.

kate was here earlier, and she pretty much told me that i'd hurt linda with my email. thus confirming my thougts that i'd not expressed myself as clearly as i had hoped i had. or as clearly as i had to.

so i called linda before..to explain that my mail wasn't one saying "i can't have anything more to do with you", but rather was a "we just can't hang out as much as we have been" thing..and she didn't seem very interested. i don't know if she couldn't talk, or she simply didn't care - but whatever the case, i've had my say and am going to leave it at that.

after spending the last few days with the grrl (fight free) i have come to realize that she really did have every right to ask me to spend less time with my ex. sure, at first i was resentful that sam would dare ask me to give up *anything*..but now i see that sam had done exactly what i would have had the shoe been on the other foot.

today on the train back down here, i did a lot of thinking.
about me.
about sam.
about our relationship.
and i thought of all the things that I want in a relationship - and i thought of what i needed to work on in order to achieve those things.
i love the grrl. i have no doubt in my mind whatsoever about that. i love her as much now as i ever have - and probably even a little bit more.
i think that i've worked hard to keep this relationship together (both sam and i have)..sure, at times things might get a little bit rocky, but she loves me and i love her and we connect.
sam *gets me* in a way that no one else ever has..and i know that that alone is a very rare thing. sure, sam may not agree with everything that i think or do, but she rarely questions me about it (i said rarely).
sam knows that i'm am not the easiest person to love, live with, or simply be around - and she accepts that.
i was reading today that real true love is when "you know the worst possible thing about someone, and you still want to be with them", and that's how it is with the two of us.
we can be the most evil, vile, nasty, awful, hurtful spiteful bitches to one another, but at the end of each day the hatchets are buried and the white flags are raised and we snuggle up together in bed and fall asleep in each others arms.
and that to me, is the greatest thing that one person can find in another.

i don't know what happened last month or the month before to make sam and i fight so much. maybe it was just a 12 month 'blame it on the stars' kinda thing, but whatever it was, i think that we made it past it.
like making it through a really bad storm.

*grrrrrrr* - i really need a second phone line



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