well i'm back at mum's again, and as per usual, the grrl and i have fought about my leaving.
well i'm sick of it..i'm sick of feeling guilty for bing a part of a family, i'm sick of being made to feel bad because i have commitments other than her...i'm sick of it all, and i don't want any part of it anymore...
the grrl was online before, but it's hard to chat with someone when they come online for about 10seconds, and then disappear..so i emailed her...i emailed her telling her about my thougts and feelings and how my life is probably never going to change, because i'm always going to have family commitments...i also told her that the ball is in her court now, and she either loves me and my responsibilities, or she sends me packing...
well she wasn't interested in taking my ball, so i've made my own decision and i really can't deal with this every single week...so i think i'll be moving out of there sometime next week...i love her, i love her dearly, and god knows i feel like a cunt...but i'm so sick of being pushed and pulled and pushed and pulled and made to feel like shit for stuff that really is outta my hands..it's very frustrating, and extremely exhausting - and i really don't think that i have it in me to do it any longer..afterall, this isn't exactly a new thing..
i feel that the grrl will never be truely happy with us and our relationship until i live my life with her and no one else but her - and i simply can not do that.. as much as i wish i could..i can't..i have a mother, and a nephew, and a whole heap of responsibilities that i WILL NOT give up..
i just wish the grrl could understand...i wish she could see it from my point of view, and see that my life isn't exactly the easiest...i am constantly juggling the two most important women in my life - with no support from either - and it's the most exhausting thing i have ever had to do *sigh*
my mum kinda understands my constant travels back and forth to melbourne..and although she often gives me grief, it's nothing like the shit i deal with from the grrl..and i'm sick of it..i really don't think it's worth it anymore..because at the end of the day, i really wanna keep my sanity.
sure, it's so amazing to feel loved..and it's fantastic to feel so wanted and needed by the grrl..but i am just one person, and i am trying to please everyone - and it's not working..i could work..it did work for a while...but i can not make this work if i feel that the grrl is working against me.
yeah i know i sound like some kind of fucking martyr, but it's not a case of *oh woe is me, i do too much for everyone*..i just sometimes want a fucking break..
or at the very least, i want some some support from my girlfriend...
yeah ok, the grrl is always telling me i'm never there for her and i never support her - but it's a two way street that should consist of give and take. i think i do a pretty good job of juggling my life up here with my life with her, in fact, i sometimes drive myself to exhaustion doing it - and what do i get for it?? more fucking shit *sigh*
i probably shouldn't have been so nasty to the grrl in my email...but i really am breaking point...and i just needed my point to get across...
i am a pretty easy going person, and it really really realld REALLY does take a lot for me to get my back up, and sometimes i wonder if the grrl isn't trying to push me to see how far i'll go...but only problem is, i really don't want to be pushed anymore..i'm fucking exhausted..
anyway,
fuck it all..
0 comment so far..
jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble