i was supposed to go out with sam to some family function thingy tonite, but decided not to..actually..i did want to go, but i just figured that sam would have a much more enjoyable time without having to constantly look over her shoulder and make sure that i'm enjoying myself.
but i am going to go with her to the afternoon tea thing tomorrow instead.
i checked my yahoo horiscope before (i have them emailed to myself each morning) and reading it made me feel really weird..it said
it made me think of mum.
mum called yesterday wanting to talk to me about dad and his test results, but because she'd called me on my mobile while i was on a train into the city, i cut her short and asked her to call be back later on that nite..she didn't call..but i just have this feeling that something *big* is up..
each time i've seen her in the last month she's just looked so worried...she always seems to have this look on her face that i've never really seen before. and each time i talk to her on the phone i swear i can hear something *not quite right* in her voice.
who knows..maybe i'm just being paranoid and looking too much into things because i know that dad's health isn't the best. but sometimes i can't help but feel that mum reallly needs me and i'm just not there for her.
one thing that i just can't get outta my head is overhearing mum on the phone to one of her friends, telling them about how her and dad moved up to the valley to be closer to me. after the person on the other line said something mum sighed and replied "but it didn't exactly work out that way".
on one hand i feel bad for convincing them to move up to the valley to be closer to me, only to turn myself around and head back to the city to be with sam. but on the other hand i think that the last 9 months of peace and quiet has been good for them all. robert's turning into quite a well mannered little man..dad's definately benefited from their new relaxed way of living..and as much as she'd hate to ever admit it - i think it's helped mum, too. sure, she misses the city and all the people that she's come to know and love over the years - but i really do think that she's simply had less to worry about. and that has made life that little bit easier.
i'm heading down to the valley on tuesday to sort out some stuff for uni, and i'm really looking forward to seeing mum. it's not that i miss her now that i'm down here..it's more that i feel bad..i feel as if i've shirked my family responsibilities for my own selfish reasons...but, at 24 years of age i feel that i need to live my life my way, and fit everything else that needs to be done around it.
i like my life..
i'm happy with where i am..
i love being here with sam, and i know that there's no where else on this planet that i'm supposed to be other that right by her side.
and thankfully, i think my mum knows that too.
now that everything's official with uni, and i'm going back next semester, i'm gonna be living between here (@ sam's) and there (@ mum's). it's gonna be hard...in fact, i think it's going to be a real challenge - but i really do think that it'll be a really good lesson for everyone. especially me. afterall, in the last 6 years, i haven't had to do the long distance thing. since i left home to go to uni back in 1996, i've had everything (love, life, uni) all within 10minutes of each other. but now, with mum and uni in one town, and sam being almost 2 hours away, it's going to be different to anything else i've ever done - but strangely enough, i'm looking forward to it. that probably sounds sadistic or masocistic, but i really think that not having sam *on tap* like how i have had for the last few months, i feel that i will appreciate her, and what we have, just that little bit more.
but i'd be lying if i said that there was no doubt in my mind about the whole thing...as much as i've build this perfect image of me studying 4 days a week in churchill, and spending the other 3 days of that same week with sam, i still worry that something will happen in those 4 days to make the remaining 3 difficult...and i really do worry that sam will get sick of thinking about me and wondering what i'm up to while i'm away....and as much as i hate to admit it, i'm worrying about the same thing too...
i know that these are silly things to worry about, but i am only human, and it's only fair to look at this from all sides.
but..as i've said...finishing my studies really is important to me. not only because i want to finally graduate, but i just want to be qualified and to go to work so that i can earn money and help out more with the financial things with sam. i help out as much as i can, but sometimes i'd like to be able to just say "fuck it..let's buy that new sofa.."..or "..let's put those beautiful curtains on my visa.."..i want to be able to do those things for sam..rather than have her go without.
so yeah..i know that the next 12 months is going to be a long, winding, and sometimes difficult road...but fuck it's going to be worth it at the end *smiling*
jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble