well as my last entry on saturday said - the rainbow room was going to be eventful...and it was...
not to go into too much detail - i drank..and drank...and drank a bit more...got pissed...flashed my titties...grabbed a lot of asses...flirted and sluted like never before..had a great time with linnie...flirted with nikki...laughed my ass off with kater...and asked some strange chick if she'd come home with me and have a shower...*hehehe* yup..i did, i did, i really did *L*
nothing happened tho..we had a shower..i thought about sex...but couldn't bring myself to do it...i just couldn't get outta my head that i was trying to do the wrong thing for the wrong reasons...honestly, i think i have moved on 95%..i am so much different than i was when i first started this diary..i feel so much happier...so much more free..and so less pathetic..
my friends have been so god damned wonderful..and my newly blooming friendship with linda is just awsome..we talk..we flirt...we hug...we do all the things now that we never could when we were lovers...shit, if i had have known these benefits we probably would have split up years ago (ok...maybe not that long..but this is definately all good)
i must say tho...my friends were all a bit worried about me heading home with a strange chick (not strange as in odd - just strange as in not in our circle of friends)...and it was nice knowing they love me enough to be concerned. i don't know why i did it...i mean...i do know...buti think people think i did it to get at linda. i didn't...i know she loves me..i know she is protective..and i know her well enough to know that she would tell me if she ever thought i was doing the wrong thing - and that is partly what i love about her.
and i gotta say - it feels ood to be this free...not to diss linda, or say i never felt good with her (coz i did)..but i just wasn't expecting to feel this good this soon. i wouldn't say i was settled (coz i am feeling quite scattered - but i am enjoying it)..but i do feel very different...i feel like i need to stay single for a while just to get the time to enjoy me..to enjoy who i truely am and to find myself. yeah, yeah...that sounds so cliched..but it's exactly what i did 5 years ago when i ran off the the US and slutted around. only this time i don't want to run away - i want to find myself on my own territory.
since being single..i have had a few people show some interest...one has even out and out said "Dannii..i like you and would like to be with you"..and while i would like to be with someone and just have someone there, i don't think i'm ready..all this attention is very nice (hell, who wouldn't enjoy it) but it's just so not the right time...when i was with linnie, i just thought that having someone made me complete - but i know that is soooo not right...yeah having her made me happy, but linda was only one aspect of my life.
linnie told me last nite that i "gave too much"...that there was nothing too much for her to ask of me...and that there was nothing i wouldn't do for her..and that is so very true. i would have given up anything for linnie..i don't know why - she never really asked me for anything..but even now, i would do and give anything if she needed it..i don't want that anymore..i think i would like someone to feel for me similarly to how i felt for linda...i want to know that someone out there would walk thru fire for me..and i want to be also able to feel that i would do it, too..linda and i loved each other, but i know i was the one who loved too much...she could never give me what i gave her. looking back, that taught me a real valuable lesson...before linda, i don't think that i have ever fallen quite that hard...and who knows, maybe i won't fall that hard ever again...but on the other end of the stick - maybe what i felt for linda was only the beginning of how much i am capable of feeling for someone else.
it's all too bizarre for me.
also..i was thinking last nite that i have never ever had to persue someone..all my ex's (boys and girls) have all persued me..it's weird..i don't think i would know what to do...but maybe that is what i am doing wrong...maybe i need to be out there and just say - "i want you, and i'll do anything to have you"...i made a start the other nite by asking this chick if she wanted to come back to my place and have a shower with me (oh god i can't believe how much of a corny line that was! *L*)..and it almost felt right...i mean, apart from the fact that i couldn't go thru with the sex, i didn't feel totally out of my depth. i must admit tho - it was nice to just lay next to someone and just be held..this chick wrapped her arms around me and didn't let me go until it was time for me to leave - and that was fucking awsome! that, to me, was sooo much better than any sex could have been...
anyway, i gotta go pee and get myself home and into bed...
cheers
~dannii
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jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble