although i love her more than i could possibly express in this medium - i've got to say, that sometimes i have my doubts..*sighs*..

last nite was one enormous set-back ..especially considering that the last 2 months have been one big "finding our feet again" experience...and it's awful, just when we think we've found our feet, for someone to pull the rug out..

do i ask too much when i ask for honesty??
am i an asshole for expecting openness?
is it wrong of me to hold so much hatred and anger towards someone who isn't even part of my relationship??

i've dont a lot of thinking today..
thinking about how my car accident could have so easily been so much worse..thinking about sam and i and where we are heading...thinking about whether or not all these little bumps in the road will eventually lead us to happiness..

there was a time...not so terribly long ago...when both sam and i were sickeningly and deliriously happy...where there were no issues or hassles...where every day brought something new and wonderful...and now...now it's not like that anymore..

sure, we have good times...not everything is a great big hassle, issue of problem...but sometimes, sometimes the little things snowball into such big things that i wonder if they'll ever go away..

i feel guilty for demanding that she no longer has anything to do with the skank...afterall, skank-whore is one person that (despite all the shit she creates for other people) genuinely cares for sam..and now..i've gone and taken that person out of sam's life..or at least, i've made sam choose..

i dont think i have ever done the "her or me" thing before..and in all honesty...i'm not very proud of it..
it sickens me to think that someone like skank can bring out such a horrible streak in me..and i hate that, because i know she'd be fucking revelling in it..

i dunno..

a big part of me is paranoid that sam is going to wake up on day and think that "if dannii really loved me, then she wouldn't give me these ultimatums", and then she's going to realise how much better her life would be without me. how much more free she'd be..and that scares the hell out of me, because i think that if sam gave me the same ultimatum, i'd get all high and mighty and ask her who in the fuck she thought she was to make me choose such a thing..which really makes me feel like a total loser and hypocrite..
i know that skank is not responsible for everything that happened between sam and i back in july...but fuck me if she didn't play a big part in sam's attitude...and i don't want that sam, or that attitude, to resurface...
i must give skank credit where credit is due, though...she is one helluva master manipulator..and that scares me, because i do not manipulate people so i don't know how to beat her at her own game..

anyway, i think it's probably time that i put the skank issue to rest (where it belongs) and i just need to wait and see what happens between the grrl and i..

i have faith that we will eventually sort it all out and make it all good...
i just wish i had the same faith in my sanity...



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