normally i hate leaving the grrl and resent every minute that i am away from her...but my trip back to churchill today has been quite enjoyable..

i left home at about 9 this morning, and got here sometime before 11. i was surprised to find that mum had left pog at his mothers, so it was just going to be the two of us..and it was actually quite a good day. she's been a bit off color lately, so she asked me if i'd drive us into sale..and it was a nice trip...we got to just talk and relax in a way that we haven't done in quite some time.
we went to sale to see a solicitor who is probably going to represent mum at dad's coronial inquest thingy..he seemed a like a nice old guy...not like most of the lawyers we've seen over the last year. he kinda looked a bit like an older richard gere..but without the hot american accent..anyway..apart from the fact mum started crying every 3 minutes - it was an interesting meeting.
personally,i do not want this inquest to go ahead.
my dad was 60 years old. he had a triple bypass back in 1980 and was told only had 6 months left to live. so the way i see it - he was living on borrowed time, anyway..and that day was his day to die..and no inquest or arguing, fighting or blaming will bring him back..so yeah...i would like to see mum let it all rest..but i know she wont..and i guess i can understand why.
once i asked mum why she fought so hard to constantly defend my father (who, i'll admit - could be an idiot)..and she told me that loving someone meant defending them, aswell..even in death, she's still doing it.
i can't even begin to comprehend how she feels..i know she's lonely and lost..but i also know that that's only the tip of the ice berg. she told me today that at night when everyone's asleep..she curls up with an old pair of his pyjama's and just cries. every nite, for the last 16 months. and i imagine she'll continue to do it every nite for the next 16 months..if not longer..
i worry about my mum..probably more than i care to admit..
i know that, like my father, she's living on borrowed time, too..and now, with him gone she doesn't have as much to live for. sure there's me and pog, but she knows we are ok and in good hands (each others) and we would be able to manage if anything happened to her..and lately..she seems so ill...
i dunno..i don't really want to write much more for fear of jinxing myself..but i just want to say that i hope i am wrong and it's just the flu..

anyway, i shouldn't go distracting myself with these thoughts...i have so much work to do tonite and i've hardly done any..

i did come to uni earlier..but linnie called and came along and kidnapped me and set me back a few hours..hehe..typical me - anything to get away from work..but it was good to see linnie..it always is..even if it's only for 10, 20 or 30 minutes..she just knows how to brighten up my day..

but yeah...assignments call..

i'm heading home to the grrl tomorrow...i seem to work much better when i am there..



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