if there's one thing i hate it's having someone try to make me feel guilty when there really isn't anything for me to feel guilty about..

let's take an entirely hypothetical situation..
girl#1 meets girl#2..girl#1 sleeps with girl#2...girl#1 thinks she wants more from girl#2 but is concerned with extraneous issues..girl#1 is honest with girl#2...girl#2 makes a whole lot of weird comments and tries making girl#1 feel guilty..girl#2 succeeds and girl#1 does feel guilty for a short amout of time and then realizes she was honest with girl#2 and girl#2 is the one with the problem..or is girl#1 really the one with the problem??
see..it's situations like this (entirely hypothetical of course *L*) that make me think about me and my own fucked up love life..
during my love drive home on tuesday, i had lots and lots of time to think about things...mostly about me..my thoughts on the grrl..and my recent sexcapades. and it got me thinking..
is my inability to find happyness with these seemingly perfect chicks my own doing??
do i deliberately seek out (and find) faults that i would normally overlook? cuz really...i can't help but wondering if my recent disappointments have just been a case of me not really knowing what i want...or me knowing exactly what it is i want but coming to the realisation that i'm never going to get what i want...
mmmmm
i know it's all kinda fucked up and twisted..i know i have (in the past) done good things for wrong reasons..and as a result good people have been hurt...hearts have been fractured...i know i've been an asshole...and i take full responsibility for my actions. but in situations where i have made no promises or demands and people then try to make me feel guilty because i have not done what it is that they wanted - well that just pisses me off.

i know that i'm looking in all the wrong places for something that i'm never going to find. i know that...i've always known that...but it's not going to stop me from looking.
to be totally honest, i do not know if i want a relationship..but i do know that i want to find someone i would consider having a relationship with. i know that sounds crazy..it's totally crazy...but it's how i feel.
i'm not ready to give myself to someone just yet...even though i like the thought of it...
but i know i'm not ready..
even if i did meet ms right, i know i'd have a hard time keeping her around long enough for anything to develop. and that's my problem...not hers.
i guess that's another problem i have..
i dunno..
i though for a while there that i knew what i wanted and everything was going to be peachy keen...but now i do know that i was kidding myself..and i have no problem with that..
i'll admit that i'm confused and fucked up..
yes indeedy..i have my demons to deal with..and i'm sure i'll deal with them when i'm good and ready - not when people try to make me feel guilty for ever having such issues.

i dunno..

i think i think too much.



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