i called sam before...i don't really know why...well i do know why - i wanted to pay my condolences...but i dunno...i also kinda wanted to just talk to her...
only no one answered...which was kind of a relief. cuz really...i had no idea what i was going to say...even worse - what if the new girlfriend had have answered?? so yeah..a blessing in disguise maybe...but i do want to send my condolences...and i do want to talk to her...but maybe i should just focus on one at a time at the moment.

so instead i called her father...and spoke to him. he seemed very surprised to hear my voice..very surprised...but he was nice. he always was..and he thanked me so many times for calling. maybe he was just being polite...i dunno...but either way, it was nice to speak to him.

anywho...
i spent some time with linnie tonite...as always, when i'm feeling confused or have some kind of issue in my head, i always find myself running to her for guidance. the issue of the day is alison..and what's going on there. although we decided to *end* the romantic side of our relationship, things between us are both still very...i dunno...emotional? maybe emotional is the wrong word...we are both still quite affectionate with one another...and yes, we're sleeping in the same bed...but it's weird...because i like where we're at, and i think she does, too..but that's as far as it's gone for the last few weeks. and at the moment, i dont know if i want to try and take it another step further, or head a few steps back...sometimes when i'm curled up behind her in bed, i think that i'd like to try and take it further..but then sometimes something will happen or be said and it makes me think "nah, leave it where it is".
i know that my heart is still healing after samgate...i also know it's far from healed..but...that doesn't mean i'd turn away an opportunity to be happy. it does, however, mean i'm quite wary..and a little more guarded when it comes to affairs of the heart..

maybe i'm just craving some attention and affection...or maybe i just needa go out and fuck around some more..it seemed to work the last time.



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