but i'm thinking i wasted my time.
i walked in the door, and was faced with all of my belongings stacked in a neat little pile in the middle of the loungeroom floor..
talk about a kick while i was already down..
sure, i told her i'd be down today to collect some of my things, and that she might want to start sorting through them...but i didn't know she'd have it all done and waiting..
the grrl i love, doesn't seem to be here anymore..
in her place, is this creature that i do not know, or really wish to know..
i had though (and secretly hoped) that i would walk in this morning and all would be well..but honestly, it couldn't be further from the truth.
this new grrl, doesn't care, feel or express.
she's cold and bitter..
horrid..
and when i looked into her eyes, i saw no trace of my sam.
the grrl i loved..
the grrl i gave up all i could for..
nothing..
i asked this new grrl to tell me to go. that she didn't love me and didn't want me. but she wouldn't. she just stared blankly at me and said "i can't do that"..
she can't ask me to leave. and she wont tell me to stay..
this is all my decision now. and although i thought that i had made it, i'm not so sure now.
i dont even know what to write.
i have all this shit whizzing around in my head, and no constructive outlet for it.
i want to hit her.
i want to smash and stomp things.
i want to curl up in a ball and cry until i can't cry anymore.
my head is pounding and my chest is aching..
on the drive down here, all i could think about was how i wanted to have a car accident so that i would have some physical pain to distract from this mental torment. so that i could be taken off to hospital and given pain medication. where it would be all ok for me to just sob..where someone would take care of me. where (sopefully) i would encounter a nurse who would hold my hand and tell me it's all ok.
i fucking hate that she's making me feel like this..
i hate that i know it could all be ondone so easily.
and i hate her for also knowing that and not doing anything about it..
i want to undo it all, but i'm so fucking terrified that even if i do, i wont ever be able to relax again.
after almost 2 years, i am seeing this side of her that frightens me..
i think i should leave, but i'm scared that if i do she will come back to me in a few hours/days/weeks time and i wont want her anymore..and i'll have moved on..and i'm scared that i will do that, but that then i'll wonder if perhaps i should have "waited a little while longer"..
i'm just so scared..
and sad..
where is my sam?
Where is that beautifully challenging grrl that i know and love??
where is the sam that would not leave me here to hurt..
where is the sam who's touch just made all my silly angry feelings go away and seem so trivial..
where is the sam that i could always find the good in??
it's a year today that my father left..
and i know that's contributing to all of this.
if only i had have admitted that before now.
if only she had told me she was hurting, too..
if only we had better communicated..
i will not blame myself for this..but i will accept responsibility..
maybe i wasn't all that i made my self up to be.
maybe i didn't love her as much as i thought i did...maybe i didn't give up as much as i led myself to believe..
maybe, i should have left back in january when i was ready to.
when it felt right..
this hurts so much..
and it doesn't feel right..
she's not here at the moment..
in the midst of all this...she had a physio appointment...
i asked her not to go...but i knew, in my heart, that she would.
there is no time for me anymore..
i threatened to leave (and even tried to, 5 times) but she knows i will not go..
she has me by the balls now...and i think she knows that...
i want to be strong again..
i want to leave and not look back and know that i am doing the right thing...
i want to go sleep..
one last sleep in our bed..
and i don't want to wake up, for a very long time..
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jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble