so much for my getting ready at work..

i emailed the grrl earlier on...it wasn't the nicest of emails...pretty much saying how i was pissed that she coudln't even bother to stop chatting with her ex long enough to let me unwind with her, and as usual, it's all fallen back on me...my fault...my problem....she did ask me numberous times what was wrong...

why can't she ever fucking just once put me first??

so now i'm crying and all snotty and headahcy...there is NO WAY i'm going to make it in for an early shift...so i'm gonna call up later, arrange to come in late and then go back to bed and sleep until noon.

yes...i fucking hate my clinicals, so that's a big part of why i'm feeling so shitty and angry at the mo...but i always love the grrl...and it fucking kills me that sometimes i am so fucking low down the list of her priorities that it's not funny..

in anger and through tears, i emailed her before saying how i was "fucking stupid to put you before my family"...which probably wasn't the smartest thing to do or say...i also probably should have thought a little harder about my wording...
i don't resent the grrl for what's happened with my family...nor do i blame her...but i wanted to point out how i've put her first in many an instance..and how, this last time, the consequences have been huge...i don't regret that...i wouldn't mind if things were a little different, but i do not take back my choice.
i just wish i knew in my heart of hearts that she would do the same for me. i'm not asking her to prove herself to me, or to give up her family or what not (cuz they're great)...but i would like to know at times that i rank a lil higher than #7 or #8 on her priority ladder...

i just want some fucking time out for us...

but it's hardly ever about us...like this morning, it was 10-to-fucking-6 and she was racing out the door to go to work...didn't have a spare 10minutes for me...work work work...and last nite, it was all about chatting to her friend, friend, friend.
sure, i've been guilty of chatting to my mates many times while the grrl's been home...but never have i practically ignored her when she walks in from work. never.

but fuck it...i'm fucking sick of this placement...and this house...and this everything...
i just wanna curl up in a pathetic little ball and be taken care of for once in my fucking life

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