i dream't of dad last nite...

it seems that he's all i'm dreaming of these days...it's like i am just replacing one ghost with another, and really, i don't know which one is worse..

for the last few weeks, i've been dreaming of him in coffins, and boxes, and all kinds of things that resemble boxes...i dream of his funeral...of looking at him in that casket..he looked so beautiful and peaceful..and really, if i hadn't known better, i would have thought he was just sleeping..
but sometimes i wish i hadn't looked at him, laying there in that box...sometimes i wish that my last memory of my father was of me kissing him goodbye before i headed off to canberra with kater and ant..

my dream last nite was so real, though...
i dreamt i was in my bedroom, and i got up to go to the toilet, and dad walked out of his bedroom in his jocks (his normal nite time attire *smiling*) and i saw him, and i ran up to him and just hugged him and cried and cried and cried..and i was so fucking happy...
it was a weird dream, though..because he was still *dead*..and it was kinda like his ghost i was hugging..but still, he was there, and i could touch him and hold him and he had shape and form..and most importantly, i got to tell him that i loved him - something that i really never did enough of while he was alive. but no one else could see him, and each time i tried to tell mum or nicky or robbie about seeing his *ghost*, or to tell them what he was saying, i wasn't able to speak..
it was very weird..
and then i woke up for real, and went to the toilet..only dad didn't come walking out of his room in his undies...and i started crying like a fucking baby..

god i miss him so much..

i never thought i would say that about my father..but god..

this morning, after my little eposide, mum told me that she'd really like me to speak to her psychologist. she's been telling her friends for weeks that i'm not *alright* and that if i don't try to let out all this stuff that seems to be festering inside, then i'm going to go mad (her words, not mine)..and i'm kinda inclined to agree with her.

but i'm at uni, and it's time to go home.



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