so after some lovely guy in the uk lef me a note offering to help me with my archive page, i finally got it all sorted out. but then i decided i'd go one step further and try to organise it - afterall, with almost 300 entries it was getting out of hand!...so yeah...i went to rearranging it and stuff...and now, somehow, i've totally fucked it up - but at least it looks good...hahahaha..
for the last few days i'd been thinking about deleting all the entries from 2001, but then i thought that i should keep them - afterall, they are my mental outbursts and they belong in here just as much as any of the other things that i've written...but now, now i don't know how to find them...aahhhh...one of these days i will learn to not play with things that i don't understand..
i called the grrl before..and as always, was instantly soothed by that voice. it's hard enough spending most week days away from her - but today has just seemed to drag like nothing else because i still feel like a cunt for acting how i did on the weekend. i know that things with sam and i are as strong as ever (even stronger), but i still worry that one day she will tire of my shit and kick my ass to the curb.
oh god, i'm definately watching too much american daytime tv..
but yeah..
i miss her..and i wanna go home to be with her - but i really can't leave here until friday. this week is my last full week of classes for a while - so hoepfully after this weekend i'll be able to spend less time up here studying, and more time at home snuggling..
i bought her a card yesterday...one of those "i miss you and hate being away from you" cards, and i've tried writing on it a dozen times - but all i can muster is to just stare at it. sometimes, i worry about saying too much to her so hat she doesn't think that i sound like a broken record..afterall, you can only tell someone you love them so many times before they start thinking that it's a line. and i don't want her to think that i'm just telling her for the sake of it. i want sam to know that when i tell her that i love her and that i miss her - i want her to know with every inch of her being that i mean it from every inch of mine...
the other nite after our fight when sam and i were talking...there was so much inside of me that i just wanted to tell her...she knowa that i am in love with her, and i tell her all the time that i want to grow old with her...but i want her to know that i really mean and want these things..
i was watching tv before..and someone said something about soulmates..and they gave the definition of a soul mate as being "..a person who forces your soul to grow the most.." and that that growth may not always be good - but it's definately right. so if that definition of a soul mate is right, then sam is definately mine. i have grown so much as a person in the last 9 months - and it's not been because of the fact that i am getting older, but rather because of the influence she has had in my life. being with her makes me want to everything right. she makes me want to go do school and study, and get good marks and graduate so that i can get a good job in a good hospital...and so that i can work hard and make money and be equals in our relationship...so that i can help her pay of the mortgage..so that i can say "put your money away sweetie, i'll pay for this"...so that we can afford to just jump in the car and take off any weekend we want to.
sam makes me want to be responsible...she makes me want to do all the things that i've never wanted to do before...and with her by my side, she actually makes me look forward to growing old..
but right now i'm really sounding like some insane, romantic, goof-ball, so i'm gonna go to bed where i'll hopefully dream of the grrl..
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jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble