i dreamt of sharks last nite..

i don't know if it was because the last thing i was on tv was some documentary about bull-sharks in our fresh-water waterways, or because i went to bed brooding over fucking stupid ex shits..

but all i know is, i dreamt of them...long...and hard....all night they were surrounding me...almost frightening the dream-land me to death.
after almost 2 years of not dreaming about sharks, i had forgotten how absolutely horrifying those dreams could be...
but now, i think they're back..and fuck i don't hope they're here to stay..

when linda and i were together, i spent a good 8months dreaming about sharks..every night..sometimes, even 4 or 5 dreams a night...they were awful horrid dreams...and it wasn't until quiet a while after i started having them, that someone wise pointed out that they were my insecurities eating at me. and once that relationship with linda ended, the insecurities (along with the sharks) swam away..

but enough of sharks..

today was my LAST day of clinicals..heh

and enough of that..

i'm kinda pissed at the grrl at the 'mo..
last nite, we were heading to her sisters...and she was telling me about some rainbow party thing she's gonna go to next friday (when we're i'm supposed to be in broken hill)...and i was like
"but your ex just had one"
"yeah, but this is a friend of her's and i'm gonna go"..

this fucking ex..
i'm so over it..
they're still sms'ing..although not nearly as much, but it bugs me.
it bugs me because i wait all fucking day to hear from a grrl who's always willing to sms this person, but never me. when i have phone credit, i msg her all the time...just silly things...or letting her know i am thinking of her..but no...nothing like that from sam.
at least not for me, anyway.
so yeah..i got shitty..and i didn't seak to her all night...and i went to bed sulking about it, because i'm too fucking pathetic and chicken shit to scream at her how i hate it , because i know she will just scream back at me and tell me how it's her friend and she'll do what she wants. then she'll get angry and me for getting angry at something she finds so trivial..then we will fight..and i will hurt..and i will leave..and she won't care because at the end of the day she'll still have her fucking wonderful friend so she'll be fine..*takes a deep breath*..

i know now, after last week, that the grrl and i crossed a line, and we lost something.
we lost that spart that used to always make us want to come back to the other. it's not there anymore..she wants her friends, and i just want her. and for that i feel like a fucking pathetic loser..

i used to be much sstronger than this..

i used to do things differently..

but i sacrifised a lot in order to give our relationship the best chance that i could. i did. i'm not wanting to play the martyr, i'm just stating a fact...
i kept away from friends she didn't like..i put the reigns on my flirty personality because she felt threatened...i constantly travelled back and forth from uni because she wanted me here (granted, i wanted to be with her, too)..

i have done lots for her..but never thought about it, because i just assumed people did that for their loved ones..
i am wondering now if maybe i was wrong...to give up so much of myself for someone else, who refuses to give up some things for me..

i do not want this any more...i truely dont...
we've crossed a line in our relationship, where a certain kind of respect has been lost - and i do not believe we can get it back.
not here, not now..

she thinks it's convenient that now that my clinicals are over, i'm planning on going back to the valley for a few days...and i think she may be right..
she can not (and wont) help me with this one great insecurity issue..so i should leave...where i'm not here to make her crazy.

right now...i am sitting here seething because i have tried smsing and emailing her, and she's not since replied. but i know she's online, because 5 seconds after i logged into ICQ she logged off *sigh*...i'm thinking she wants this to lead to an argument so that we can fight and i will leave...but really, i wish she'd just save us the energy and tell me it's over so that i can simply go..and start again, somewhere else..

0 comment so far..