i came home from work quickly to clean up some before heading off to melbourne for the night..

last night ali and i cracked open a bottle of bundy and a bottle of muscat and we got trashed...not bad "oh-fuck-i-feel-sick" trashed..but rather, that fun "oh-man-this-is-fun" trashed..

we ate..we talked...we laughed...and we interacted in a way that we haven't for so long...we talked shit about live, love and relationships...and it was just really nice.
wasn't so nice at 5am this morning when my alarm went off though...hahaha....but yeah...

so tonight i'm heading down to melbourne to meet up with linnie and janine and hang out with the kitty kat...they want to meet her...and i guess this is a good time for her to meet some of my mates...

i wasn't going to go out tonight...not feeling how i do...but i know it's silly..i can not hide from the world forever while i wait for a memory to fade...more importantly, i can not cling to a memory...it's nutso....it really is.
to make matters worse, this morning i sms'd the grrl asking her if she'd like to catch up for a beer...thankfully, she has other plans she can't get out of. as much as i would like to see her, i honestly do not know how i would feel/react...especially knowing what i am like when i am drunk. as much as i would rather chew my tongue off than tell her what i'm feeling, i know i wouldn't hold back at all after a few drinks...because i am not the type to hold back...
and of course, there is the kitty kat...dear, sweet, adorable kat...mmmm...
why oh why do i do this to myself?
what is that saying about not being able to see the forest for the trees?

i was chatting with a friend the other night...she is the one person that has been privvy to my most deepest and darkest thoughts over the last 4 years...she has seen me through 2 wonderful relationships and two world-shattering break-ups..she knows me better than i know myself. anyway, i was chatting to her the other night, telling her how i feel like such a fuckwit for feeling so weirded out by the thought of a single-sam...i (rhetorically) asked her what on earth would i do if sam ever came back and suggested we give it another go..her reply (which i'm going to cut-and-paste here), was quite spot on.
"What would you do if she ever propositioned you again? You'd go home and freak out and wonder what the hell you're supposed to do,
and then you'd realise that you couldn't handle going through the entire
ending of that relationship again (you didn't exactly enjoy it, remember?)
and then you'd go and see her and say "Sammy, You will always have a special place in my heart, and maybe part of me hopes that one day we will share that all again, but now isn't the time. I don't think we've grown enough as seperate people to make things work with 'us'. But I still care about you..
alot". And then you'll come home feeling like the world has been lifted off your shoulder.
Of course.. if you don't like that plan, you could always go with ... I
don't think Sam would proposition you. Not for a few more years anyway! Just
wait for it to happen before you start thinking 'what-if'. What if your car
was crushed by lunar debre moments after exiting the vehicle but you'd left
your favourite Malibu Barbie in there and she was crushed?"
and it's all so true.
not only do i know i couldn't ever go through that kind of loss again...i also know that sam would never put me in that position so really, all of this freaking out is such a waste of my time..

i think i need prozac..
or a really, really good shrink.

but for now i'm gonns head down to the city to spend some quality time with some quality people..



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