WARNING : drunken babble

so it's come to this again...

once more, i stay up all hours of the night...writing silly sappy letters to you...
not that you will ever read this...you will never even know that it exists...
but i will...and some things are better out than in...

so what is it about you that won't let me let go?
is it how you used tosay my name?
or the way your face would light up when ever you saw me?
could it be the way you used to act as if i was the only person you could see?
or maybe it's the way you would do out of your way to do little thoughtful things that always made me smile?
or how about the way you would let me trace patterns on your back with my fingers...the way you let me play with your hair....the way you let me touch the freckles on your face...

and what is it about you that drives me absofuckinglutely crazy?

i bombard you with these silly questions that will never be answered because they will never be read... not by you, anyway...

i know it's silly, but it feels as if i sacrifice a part of myself every day for *us*...to keep some kind of friendship going...pretending that i care about you and your girlfriend...pretending that i don't love you...

there are days when all i ask myself "how can I keep my mind off of her today?"..and on the rare occasions that we see each other, i find a new way to avoid thinking of you...to avoid thinking of you with me...

idon't know when it escalated to this point. i thought i was over it...i thought that it was all in the past. but obviously it's not. it's here...in my head...and i dont know how it got here...but I let it.
this is all about me...not anyone else. not even you. you haven't put all this in my head...

and now every time i smell someone wearing musk i think of you.
and every time i hear a certain song, it makes me smile.

sometimes...(especially when drunk *hiccup*) i feel like my feelings alone should be strong enough for the both of us, even though i know they are not.
part of me keeps hoping that one day your eyes will open and you will realize that the girl you've been waiting for all your life has been right here waiting for you all this time... holding your hand as you looked in another direction...but the other part of me really does want to move on...such a huge part of me is ready to move on.
forever
but there is still part of me wants to sever all ties with you...move to another state...another country, if need be. to never talk to you or think about you again.
part of me wants you out of my life so I can be me again.
so I can go back to who i was 4 years ago and get to re-live the good-ol days...sans you....not because you are a horribly awful person....but rather because before you came into (and before you left) my world i felt whole
so i can spend lost time having fun instead of worrying about you...how you are...where you are...what you are doing...and why you aren't doing it without me...

so I can move on.

to bigger and better things..

i need to move on...

i want to move on...

i just can't seem to move on...

not from you.
not from this..
and it drives me fucking nutso.

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