every now and then i get to a stage in my life where i have no damned idea where it is that i'm heading, or what it is that i want...and that scares me.
sometimes it's as if i really dont care where i end up, as long as i get through each day.
yesterday at work some of us were talking about going permanent and what were gonna do next year..ad while i have a few thoughts in my head (as well as having recently applied to do a graduate course in mental health) i really dont know what it is i want to do.

i'm not driven by the money..but lately i can't help but think that i'm gonna be fucked next year if what ever i do ends up earning me less money than what i get now...only because i have become so accustomed to this lifestyle that i wont be able to afford it if i take a pay cut. mind you, i've worked hard for every single dollar that i've earned this year - so hopefully i'll be up for working just as much and just as hard in 2005.

i've decided that i'm definately going to quit my grad year once i wrap up my emergency rotation in december...then i can work as many shifts as i can squeeze in at the prison..i still love it there...thankfully...and it's more of a social activity than it is work - only i get paid well to be there.
at the moment we're having some staff dramas out there though..well..one particular staff member is causing all the drama, but today there is a staff meeting that will hopefully settle it all. i dont want to go, for fear i will say something out of line or that i'll regret, but on the other hand i need to go because i do have issues that i want to see resolved.

anyway..

last night i was a complete and utter dumb fuck...and while doing some netbanking i ended up putting $155 into someone else's bank account instead of transferring it to my visa...d'oh....thankfully i managed to track this person down (i'd once bought some QAF DVD's off them via ebay)...and he's going to transfer it back to me...i hope *crosses fingers*...it'll teach me to try and do 4 things at once, though...which is how i made the mistake in the first place..so yeah..

i should go get ready for the staff meeting...



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