i was packing my bags last nite...all gung-ho and preparred to head back to mums...but i decided i should talk..
actually, no...i sms'd her (i was in the kitchen - she was in bed - how very yuppyish) saying how it's typical that she never admits she's wrong and it always preparred (or is it stubborn??) to just let me leave...then before i knew it, she was standing in the doorway with that look on her face telling me she thought we should talk..
i hate talking to her when i'm feeling all hurt and wounded, because she has this habit of rolling her eyes and that makes me even more hurt...so i get all cranky and defensive and shit..
anyway...after storming off on her twice more, we finally got to talking and i just broke down and started crying like a baby..

i told her she really has no idea how insecurity feels, because unlike me, she doesn't have the constant threat of skank-whore hanging over her head...she told me she feels insecure when it comes to alison - but i still dont see the comparison. i am, however, preparred to have very little to do with alison if it will keep the skank out of my life..

sam told me...actually, she promised me that she would no longer have anything to do with skank..and that kinda made me feel better...but i hate feeling that i am responsible for taking someoe that really genuinely cares about sam out of her life...but...oh well...

i curled up next to sam last nite and cried and cried and cried...partly because i was upset that i felt she had lied and been sneaky...but mostly because old wounds from not-so-very-long-ago had been re-opened...i dont think anyone really understands how much everything that happened in july fucked with my heart and head...hell, i still have nightmares about it all..
maybe i need counselling..
or maybe i just need skank to curl up in some corner and just disappear..

it amazes me how much i truely fucking hate her..

really..

there are more people in this world that have more reason for me to hate them - but mostly i just pity those folk. but with skank...it's pure and unadulterated hatred.
i saw she was on gaydar last nite so i couldn't pass up the opportunity to message her...i pretty much asked her to be a good lil whore and either stay the fuck away from sam or just go off and die somewhere..and i was totally surprised that tht lil fucker didn't respond somehow..maybe she did...maybe she called/sms'd sam - but i dunno and don't really care...but...now i am worried that she will see my message as ammunition to try and create more trouble...so we shall see...

i just feel bad for acting like such a pathetic child to sam...well, no i do..last nite i didn't really give a fuck about how i was acting.
one thing that does worry me, though...is sam sees my "i would leave before i go through that shit again" as a threat...when really, it's true...she told me last nite to stop threatening her and giving her ultimatums...when really, i wasn't. i was simply telling her that i would not allow myself to be hurt like that again...not by her, and not by anyone..

so yeah..that's my rant for the day..

i'm heading off to uni now...fuck me...a 2 hour drive (each way) for 30minutes worth of work...hardly seems like it, eh?? but i guess i should clear my head..

ps - hedge - i say "kill 'em all" *hugs*

ending music: 'trigger' - sandrine



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