i was sexually assulted as a child..
by a trusted family friend...someone so close, that he even came away on family holidays with us...

strangely enough, from such a horrible experiences, i learnt a lot about trust. how hard it to get..and how easily it can be shattered...

today..for probably the 3rd time in my life...the trust of someone i loved was shatterd..
well and truely..

we gave it another go, you know..the grrl and i...

we decided (mutually) that we had a past, and it was worth salvaging...sure, we fought..we cried...i screamed...threw things...had tantrums...but we were going to work it out...

we went out last night...and this morning she said to me "don't go home..stay another night"..man, i felt like a fucking queen..i was laying there in her bed, all euphoric. like after the best sex you can ever have.

and then..

this morning..i had to push the envelope..and when her MSN loaded instead of mine...i saw emails from the ex. in fact, i say a whole fucking EX folder...and i felt that crushing pain i often get in my chest when i know something bad is coming..

so i read some of her emails...saved ones from that lying, little skank of a whore-bag ex...they weren't very nice. well...err..i guess they were nice...but not a nice thing for someone's partner to find.

but it's my own stupid fault..

i violated her privacy...i know i was in the wrong. but i knew, deep down i knew i would find something bad..

i knew..my heart would break..

but still i looked.

i am angry and hurt at the grrl..for letting that little cretin write that stuff. when i asked the grrl about it (yup, i fessed up as soon as i did it) all she could say was "it's good for my ego"..
yeah..it might be good for her ego, but it fucking crushes mine..

this thing with the ex has snowballed uncontrollably over the last few weeks..and i can see it's only going to get bigger??

but what i wanna know is..

am i being as unreasonable as the grrl makes me think i am??

had anyone else made me feel like this..i would have left long ago. or i would have left and not continually come back..

why do i come back to her??

is it the love?

or am i more pathetic than i ever thought i was capable of becoming??
someone told me before i was just pathetic..and i should leave..

maybe i should..

maybe, sometime soon, i will..and she will be happy...because then she can have her ex, with no hassles..



because really, between us...i dont think it'll ever change..



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