she wonders why i resent her ex..

she can not at all see why i have been acting the way i do...

this morning, we were almost about to make everything all right...and then the ex SMS's...she wants to see the grrl..she's feeling down...
sure, i'm all sympathetic when it comes to feeling like shit...but the grrl and I had stuff to work out...so we fought...because i felt it was wrong that the grrl would want to go and see her, in the midst of our own shit..

she tells me i jumped to conclusions, and that she wanted to go visit the ex to ask her to "cool off"..(mind you, i dont understand why this couldn't be done in a phone call, but hey, who am i to question??)..she said "i'll be back in an hour.."...ok...so it's only been almost 2 hours...which is only an hour late...but it's the second time in a week the grrl has not been reliable...the second time in a week she's put me on hold to do whatever with others...

she tells me she wants to help the ex in order to make herself a better person..
i dont think she needs to do this, but again, what do i know..

what i do know, is on the one year anniversary of my dad's passing, i would have liked to have spent it with my grrl..

i know when she gets back here she will be stressed about all the work she hasn't done this morning, and she'll want to work..
and i'll get pissy..coz she's wasted all that time with the ex, when she should have been working...or with me...

i am beginning to think i have some kind of bi-polar disorder, and that i expect too much of her..

when really, i want her to be to me the kind of partner that she would like for herself...

is that really too much??

i will give her the benefit of the doubt, though..and find out how her time with the ex went...more importantly, to find out if she's asked the ex to step aside long enough for us to work out our shit. i know it's not the ex's fault...she just wants someone to talk to..but so do i. only i don't want just anyone, i want my grrl...but sometimes, she makes me feel as if that's too much to ask.
which is confusing, because it's never been too much to ask in the past, and now it is..

it's all so fucking nuts....i want her...but i dont know if i can deal with all this new stuff...

this morning she told me that i spend too much time with her, and not enough with my own friends...
for fucks sake..
as i recall..it was her who hated me spending time with my mates, so i stopped to please her..but now that's wrong...and i need to go back and changef myself again in order to please her..

she tells me she wants us to sometimes have time away from each other (and i agree we need it) but how much grief did she used to give me when i'd have to go to uni??

i feel like i'm going fucking mad...

and i really really need to vent...


but yeah...i defiantely need something.



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