i should have known that having my cake, and eating it too, would give me a belly ache..

*sighs*..

everything has been so perfect this last week..everything with the grrl is fantastically amazing...and everything at home with mum and rob has been great. well, that was until last nite...and somehow, a spanner got thrown into the works and everything has kinda fallen in a heap..

last nite, rob lied to mum about something that i had *supposedly* done, and mum believed him, and went schitzo at me. which, in its own way was a good thing, because it allowed me to se how neitehr of them really do listen to anything i do or say, and as long as i'm just *up here* with them, where they want me, then it's all good..

and i'm so sick of it..

so i got pissed off because my mother doesn't appreciate all that i give up to be here with her all the time..and we ended up in a screaming match. mind you, i do regret it now, because i was very cold and nasty..

she asked me why i always seem so unhappy lately, and i looked her in the eyes, and very cold and calmly said "because i don't fucking want to be here..i never want to be here...i'm only ever here because you create trouble if i dont come home"..so yeah..i kinda shouldn't have said that much. but it's true..

i want to come down here when I want to..and i also want to be able to leave when I think it's time to leave. not when they decide they dont need me here anymore..

i RESENT that it's expected that i'll just magically appear whenever they click their fingers..i mean, for christs sake, i'm almost 25. at 25, both of my sisters had started families and could do whatever they want to do...but no, not me...i have to try and juggle a relationship and a demanding family, and history shows, that that never works.

hell, just last week, i had spent all of 2 days in melbourne with sam, and my mother called saying "i hope you don't fucking think you're going to use my place as a half-way house", and that really pissed me off..

she does not take my relationship with sam seriously..when really, it's the most serious one i've ever been in..i love the grrl...i want to grow old with the grrl...i want to be able to live my life with the grrl, and still fit my family in. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND..

but my mother doesn't understand that..she thinks i am selfish...mind you, neither of my sisters so much as give mum the time of day, but i am selfish???
pfft...

it really upsets me...

anyway, i am going home to the grrl today!!! we've only had a few nights apart, but it seems like forever...*counting down the hours*..
i just want to curl up in a heap with her, and do nothing but just be with her..



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