ya know how last week i was
saying that sometimes when i fight with the grrl, i don't mean to let it keep going..how inside, all i
wanna do is just make it stop, to just say "i'm sorry, i'm outta line"..
well i just had one
of those times..
*zooming back to 2 hours ago*
linda came over before..she told me last
nite on ICQ that she might come over sometime today, but when midday rocked around and she hadn't
been, i just assumed that she wouldn't be coming. then, as mum and i pulled up after we got home from
the lawyer, linda pulled up in front of us..
i was a little surprised to see her - even though i
knew she said she might come over..
anyway, while linda was here i called the grrl coz i wanted to
hear her voice, and i made the mistake of telling the grrl who was here..
i knew as soon as i said
i that i shoudln't have..i should have just kept my mouth shut and not said anything - it's easier
that way. but really, should i not tell the grrl stuff? technically, it's not lying. it's only lying
if she *asks* me, and i don't *tell*...but not telling in this situation, is just..umm..i dunno..its
an artistic license of some sort.
but i told the grrl, and now she's not happy..
yeah sure,
since my dad's death i'd been a little pissed at linda for her lack of support..in fact, i was fucking
down-right angry about it - but i had my say and told linda what i was thinking. to me, that's
closure. that's the end of that chapter.hell, that's the end of that story.
but just because
i told linda that i was hurt, angry, pissed off, and that i wished i'd never met her - did not mean
that i hated her and i was going to kick her in the face every time i saw her. so tonite, when i saw
her, of course i spoke to her.
bygones, right?
infact, tonite, linda and i had one of
the best conversation that we'd had in a very long time. but sam sees my *talking* to linda, and my
*becoming chummy chummy best friends* with her, and having all the shit from last year rear it's ugly
head.linda and i aren't friends..we are 2 people, who shared a past, who cared very much for each
other for a long time. but again, that's the end of that story.
i'm not going to fight with linda.
hell, i don't want to fight with linda. i don't want to fight with anyone - i simply don't have
the energy.
and that includes fighting with sam..
to me, fighting with the grrl about other
people is a real kick in the face. when the grrl and i are happy, we are so fucking estatically
happy..why waste it because someone *else* does something that we don't like??
tonite, while linda
was here, sam sent her a nasty SMS..i was absolutely horrified and embarassed because of it..linda was
freaked out, and started crying..i thought that the message was totally uncalled for, and i must
admit, i was really angry that sam would do something like that...i mean, i know my grrl is a big
believer in telling people what's on her mind...but i don't think it should be done with the other
person isn't expecting it..
i wasn't going to say anything to sam about it, i was just going to act
like it didn't happen, and just let us get through our weekend..but it didn't happen that way.. when
sam called me i mentioned the message and told her houw i thought it was "totally uncalled
for"..butshe didn't see it that way.
i didn't want to fight with sam about linda, or the message,
or anything..but again, it turned into a fight
*for fucks sake*
why do we have to fight
about this shit??, it's like, not fucking worth it..today, all i was thinking about was going
home tomorrow and spending a relaxing few days with the grrl...but now, after tonite, a spanner has
well and truely been thrown in those works *insert exasperated sight here*
mmmm..
especially after i just hung up on her..twice even..*more sighs*..
i don't
want an easy relationship...i don't want sam and i to be perfect..but i do want us to just be
happy..
i know that sam loves me so much, and she's only being protective. afterall, she watched
linda walk all over me a few times, and sam was there to pick up the pieces each time i got hurt..but
this time, i really don't think sam has to worry..
i am a big girl..
i know what's good for me,
and what's bad..i know what's right from what's wrong..and most importantly, i know exactly what i can
and can not handle.
no matter what ever happens in my life, nothing will ever be able to change or
erase the fact that linda and i were partners, and that we cared about each other. but i know, and
even linda knows, that her and i will never ever be able to be friends..we just can't. we tried for a
while, and we did a pretty god job of it..but now, life and circumstance has prevented us from ever
going back there - and i think that that is something we both accept, and deep down we're happy about
it.
personally, i've never been able to remain friends with an ex..never ever..elly and i were the
greatest of friends before we got together, and right throughout our 3 years together - but once it
ended, that was it..i couldn't bring myself to remain *friends* with her - it's just not right..i just
couldn't do it. and now, a year after linda and i parted ways, i have no desire to be friends with
her, either..we had our shot at friendship, and we proved to each other that it couldn't be
done
don't get me wrong, i don't want to hate her and be nasty to her each time i see her..but i
don't want to be a friend in the *traditional* sence.
lets face facts..linda and i live in
neighbouring towns. we share a few aquaintances..we go to a lot of the same places...so it's not like
we're never ever going to lay eyes on each other again..
i think the best way that i can explain it
is, that linda will always be one of those people in life that you might only see every few months,
years or decades - but they're there..they used to be special..and whether we like it or not, one of
those people that part of us still cares about..even if it's just a little bit.
i don't want linda
to be a part of my life (and i doubt she wants me in hers), but i also don't wish any unhappiness on
her..
i think i am a lot like my father in that respect - i'm a big believer in letting bygones be
bygones, and throwing down the hatchetts..i know sam's not like that - and i totally respect that...i
just wish that she could respect his about me.
before on the phone, sam started saying something
like "we have so many differences...sometimes i think.." and then she stopped..and that scared
me..and that's why i hung up on her. i hung up on her, because for a second there, she made me feel
that our relationship isn't as strong as i think it is..she made me feel that she'd give up on me, and
us, all because of a few fucking differences.
but difference is what it's all about..
i don't
want to be with someone exactly like me..i never have and i never will want that..god,
i don't know how people put up with me as it is, and i know i could never put up with someone like my
self...to me, difference is a good good thing, something to definately be celebrated...hell, i love
sam and i love her differences, coz it gives our relationship that *spark*
opposites might
attract...but only for so long..
fuck i know i'm in a sorry-ass state of mind when i start
resorting to metaphors
*sigh*
at the moment, i feel really
confused..only problem is, i don't know why i feel so confused. it's like i'm standing in the centre
of a cyclone, and everyone else is just whizzing about around me..and i don't know how to make it
stop..i have been considering going to counselling,lately..even if it's just talking to counsellor
chick @ uni..i think it would really do me some good to take to someone impartial. i mean, the only
reason i have this diary is because it's such a therapuetic outlet and sometimes i just need to
vent...but there's only so much steam i can let off in here..i think it's time to turn to and talk to
a real person..
i'd like to talk to the grrl..but i don't think she'd get it. either that,
or i'd say something and she'd totally take it the wrong way..*sigh*
not only that, but i'm
not the only one who's under a lot of stress at the moment. i might be stuck in a mad house with my
grieving family, but sam has her own issues with work and stuff. sometimes (but not very often) i turn
into a selfish little bastard and i forget that other people have just as many problems as i do -
including my grrl..*sigh*..and to make matters even worse, i never seem to be there for her
when she needs me..it's such a no win situation..
it's times like this that i get so scared
that sam's just going to throw in the towell and say "sorry dannii, it's just not worth all
this"..and she's going to leave me...fuck that thought terrifies me so much, that it keeps me
awake some nights. i know that i shouldn't think about that, and that i certainly shouldn't lose sleep
about it (afterall, if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen)..but it just gets in my head, and it eats
and eats and eats at me until it almost drives me nuts..but then something will happen and sam and i
will have a really good time and that thought will go away...but at times - like now - it rears it's
ugly head..
i'd like to think that sam's stronger than that...that she's just like me in that
respect, and that she wouldn't ever give up on *us*...but sometimes...sometimes, especially
when i'm feeling low , it creeps into my head.."it's only a matter of time, dannii..it's only a
matter of time.."
*deep sigh*
0 comment so far..
jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble