dannii
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june 22 - ranting again [2002-06-22 @ 7:52 p.m.] i was supposed to go out with sam to some family function thingy tonite, but decided not to..actually..i did want to go, but i just figured that sam would have a much more enjoyable time without having to constantly look over her shoulder and make sure that i'm enjoying myself. i checked my yahoo horiscope before (i have them emailed to myself each morning) and reading it made me feel really weird..it said it made me think of mum. mum called yesterday wanting to talk to me about dad and his test results, but because she'd called me on my mobile while i was on a train into the city, i cut her short and asked her to call be back later on that nite..she didn't call..but i just have this feeling that something *big* is up.. each time i've seen her in the last month she's just looked so worried...she always seems to have this look on her face that i've never really seen before. and each time i talk to her on the phone i swear i can hear something *not quite right* in her voice. i'm heading down to the valley on tuesday to sort out some stuff for uni, and i'm really looking forward to seeing mum. it's not that i miss her now that i'm down here..it's more that i feel bad..i feel as if i've shirked my family responsibilities for my own selfish reasons...but, at 24 years of age i feel that i need to live my life my way, and fit everything else that needs to be done around it. i like my life.. now that everything's official with uni, and i'm going back next semester, i'm gonna be living between here (@ sam's) and there (@ mum's). it's gonna be hard...in fact, i think it's going to be a real challenge - but i really do think that it'll be a really good lesson for everyone. especially me. afterall, in the last 6 years, i haven't had to do the long distance thing. since i left home to go to uni back in 1996, i've had everything (love, life, uni) all within 10minutes of each other. but now, with mum and uni in one town, and sam being almost 2 hours away, it's going to be different to anything else i've ever done - but strangely enough, i'm looking forward to it. that probably sounds sadistic or masocistic, but i really think that not having sam *on tap* like how i have had for the last few months, i feel that i will appreciate her, and what we have, just that little bit more.
i know that these are silly things to worry about, but i am only human, and it's only fair to look at this from all sides. but..as i've said...finishing my studies really is important to me. not only because i want to finally graduate, but i just want to be qualified and to go to work so that i can earn money and help out more with the financial things with sam. i help out as much as i can, but sometimes i'd like to be able to just say "fuck it..let's buy that new sofa.."..or "..let's put those beautiful curtains on my visa.."..i want to be able to do those things for sam..rather than have her go without. jul 2 - fuckers jun 13 - bored may 11 - GAMSAT april 20 - adios apr 13 - babble |